Saffron Crocus
by NuoNos
Summary: Raph finds his life a lot less filling than it had been before. In fact, its so empty that he finds himself trying to be someone else. Someone he found that had killed himself. Can Donnie, Leo and Mikey stop Raph before he too meets the same fate? ::Rating: NC-17- Tcest/TSlash:: ::Series: 2k3/CGI:: ::Parings: 4OPT, Donnie/Raph, Leo/Mikey, Casey/Raph::
1. Chapter 1

He had that dream again. He wasn't sure if he should describe it as a nightmare- but it always felt unsettling. It felt like something was wrong with it.

Every time in his dream he would sit around a camp fire- and at first he was on his own but as the dream progressed another would sit beside him. It was a woman.

Every time she seemed different in one way or another. With one exception. She always woar that little white dress with the flowers on. The little flowers that seemed the dance even though they were just a pattern on her dress.

She would take his hand and pull him up. As she pulled him up in was encased in water.

And that's when Raphael would wake up.

-

Raphael let out a deep breath through his nose. Once again that dream. He never used to have them but recently it was the only dream he got. He had no idea who the girl was. She never looked like any girl Raph knew.

Raphael slammed his fist against his plastron- over his heart as if trying to restart it. It has been hurting a lot recently and he blamed that on his recent discovery of a rare Scottish whisky Casey could somehow get ahold of. It wasn't as if he was an alcholic or anything it was just really good whisky.

Rubbing his plastron from his hit he turned and looked at the alarm clock. It was half an hour before he had to get up for practice. It wasn't worth going back to sleep even though he had only been asleep an hour.

He could never get to sleep. It never mattered how tired he was. Sleep just wouldn't come. He could try sleeping pills but he needed to be ready to wake at any moment as they could be attacked at any moment. It had happened before.

Raph gently placed his feet on the ground and stood up away from his hammock, groping around for his normal gear. He felt sick, shaky and exhausted; but he got used to those feelings when he became the Nightwatcher and still tried to keep up with his family. He had given up being the Nightwatcher over a year ago for his family but still his sleep pattern refused to change. In the end he gave up and just accepted lack of sleep.

He rolled his tongue against itself to feel the disgusting film that had formed over it in his short sleep. Deciding it was too disgusting to cope with he headed to the bathroom.

Raph passed Donnie's room. Don's computer's light sneaked its way under the door, but whether Donnie had fallen asleep or worked through the night was anyone's guess. Ether way the computer was on and Raph had a sneaking suspicion that Donnie didn't turn it off because he couldn't sleep without the whirring of computer fans.

Raphael locked the door once he entered the bathroom and went about doing his normal bathroom routine. He got to his teeth last once he showered and he pushed the plastic brush into his mouth lazily and began to move the bristles against his teeth.

His eyes rested upon his own reflection. He looked as tired as he felt. His skin had become grayer than before and there were bags under his eyes. They weren't huge changes but they seemed to make a big difference. He gripped the toothbrush between his teeth and slapped his cheeks- causing a little bit of frothy toothpaste to dribble down his chin. A little bit of colour returned to his face.

It was then the sounds of a crying child floated to Raph's ears like a siren. He spit into the sink and washed his mouth out quickly before wiping his face and replacing his gear. He had completely forgotten little Shadow Jones was visiting with Mommy and Daddy.

Raphael smiled as he slipped into the humans temporary room. Casey and April were out cold. That wasn't surprising since the little baby had been keeping them up all night. He reached her cot as she began to wail louder- trying to raise her poor parents.

"Shhh..." Raph said, picking up the little bundle of warm flesh. "Uncle Raphie is here..." He brought her up to him, holding her and rocking her slightly. She soon quietened but it was obvious she was hungry. Raph took her to the kitchen.

Once Raph got into the kitchen he place Shadow into the little baby bouncer on top of the table. She began to bounce, attempting to grip her feet before waving her hand. She gave a sharp shout, then gummed her fist.

"I get it Fuss-ball." Raph said, getting out a little bottle from the fridge. At first it had weired him out that April decanted her breast milk like she was gonna set up a milk man service- but now it was second nature. He placed it in the microwave for a split second before testing the warmth. He had gotten the timing right to get the perfect temperature.

Raph came close, hovering the bottle in front of the baby. Once little Shadow reached out for it he pressed the rubber nibble to her mouth and allowed her to suckle without choking on it.

"Shadow..." Raph gave a chuckle. That bone head Casey had picked the name. He wanted to pick something "ninja-y" for his daughter and Shadow was what came to mind. Donnie had suggested "Tzila" which meant shadow in Hungarian- no, wait- Hebrew. It was Hebrew. Casey was unable to pronounce it so the baby was stuck with the name Shadow. Shadow Hamato Raphael Jones.

Raph couldn't help but smile. He had to try and hold back tears when he heard the name. Casey knew what to do to get him emotional and it bugged Raph. But it was worth it. It had taken three years to get April pregnant from when they got married.

The doctors couldn't work out why but April was unable to naturally get pregnant- not for the lack of trying on Casey's part. The doctors said it "just happens" sometimes. Of course the turtles knew they could blame anything from chemicals to interdenominational travel.

"All gone Tiger." Raphael said, removing the empty bottle from Shadow's lips. The baby began to squirm and Raph had learned that that meant burping time. He picked her up and began to pat her back lightly. He was soon rewarded by a baby burp with spittle across his shoulder. At least it wasn't vomit in the face like last time.

He put her down in the baby bouncer again and wiped her mouth with a tissue. "Messy thing. You're just like your father. I remember when he used to vomit on me from drinking." He took a new tissue and wiped his shoulder clean.

Shadow gave a squeal of entertainment. As Raphael leaned closer she petted his beak, going "ra, ra, ra" continuously. Raph wrinkled his snout and she squealed again. She then attempted to shove her fist into his mouth.

It was a good thing Donnie had given all the vaccination Shadow would need to spend a life venturing into the sewers to see her strange "Uncles" and "Grandfather". Casey's father was long since dead and April's lived in another city so Splinter was filling the position of Granddad. And Splinter didn't have a single issue with this.

Raph gently pulled the little fist from his mouth. "Ew..." he wiped his mouth. "Wait, Shadow- don't-" but he was too late. Shadow had already shoved the fist back into her own mouth.

Raph smiled. "TV time I think." he picked up the little baby bouncer and took her into the living room. He turned the TV on low and switched to a brightly coloured show about ponies stuffed full of morals. It didn't really matter right now as Shadow only saw colours and shapes- she didn't fully comprehend what she was watching.

After a little while Shadow began to whine and squirm. Raph leaned over. "What is it Squirt?"

She reached out her hand to him, whining. He then scooped her up into his arms and she nuzzled down, already slobbering on his chest. It didn't take long before she was asleep.

Raph leaned back, keeping a protective arm around her and making sure she was comfortable. He could feel her warmth through his plastron and he smiled. "Maybe your the girl in my dream." he mumbled as his eyes began to close against his will. Maybe five minutes wouldn't hurt.

-

He was back in front of that fire. Raph rubbed his face as he turned to his side. That girl was there again. This time she was blond and had a very child like face without looking like a minor. She had ribbon in her hair. The ribbon was new.

The girl turned to him and smiled. She opened her mouth as if speaking- but only white noise came out. This was new too. When he realised she was holding something he stood up to her level. It was a bundle.

Raphael reached out for it but as he did the girl dropped it. It became ash.

He cried out.

-

Raph jerk awake to the sound of a camera going off. He opened one eyes to see someone pointing what was indeed a camera at him. He hooked his arm around Shadow more and sat up, seeing who it was.

"For a sec Ape I thought you were Mikey." Raph rubbed his eyes with his spare hand.

"Sorry Raph. I couldn't resist. You two looked so cute together." April gushed. She was on that "isn't my baby the cutest thing ever" stage of motherhood.

"Mm... what time is it?" Raph blearily looked around for a clock.

"Midday." April said, taking Shadow off of him so he could sit up properly. "The guys saw you like that and didn't want to disturb. Splinter understood too." She smiled, placing the camera on the table as she rocked her baby. "Thanks for taking care of her this morning."

"That's okay Ap-" Raph suddenly averted his gaze as she lifted her top to breast feed Shadow. "-ril. I was awake anyway." He shifted, a little awkward. He knew breast feeding was a natural part of mothering... but April was like his sister. He didn't want to see his sister's boobs. "I... errr... I'm gonna see if anyone's making lunch."

"Okay." April said simply as Raph got up to leave. But then she added something that made Raph pause. "It's... a shame. You'd make such a good Father, Raph."

Raph's hand hovered over the back of the sofa. He slowly closed it, swallowing. "Ah, no one wants me to be a father. I'm too irrational." And with that he left the living room.

Raph rubbed his neck, taking deep, shaky breaths. He knew April didn't mean anything bad by what she said but it his Raph's heart like a rock. In the last year Raph had been thinking about his life. He was now 23 years old. What had he done to show for it?

Okay, he had done a lot of fighting resulting in saving in the planet a few times. However, emotionally and socially he had done very little. He hadn't even kissed- let alone found a nice girl, settled down and had a baby. But then Casey was 29 so he wasn't lagging completely behind. Then again... Casey had gone to high-school at had lost his virginity at 16- or so boasted while drunk.

Raph shook his head. He was a giant turtle- of course he wasn't ever going to have children or kiss or anything. He was doomed a sad and lonely life with only his brothers for company. It would be so much bearable if it wasn't for those stupid dreams. It was like they were trying to tell him something.

He just couldn't work out what.

"Hey Raphie."

Raph took a deep breath, taking in the scent of coffee as he stepped into the kitchen. "Hey Donnie." He tilted his head to look at the cooker. There was a pot of leftovers from him. He took out a plate and started to dish out a little.

"We've all eaten." Donnie said, sitting down with a cup of coffee. "So just go ahead and have what you want."

Raph grunted in thanks, sitting down with a bowl of mac'n'cheese. He yawned before taking a few spoonfuls into his mouth. It took him a moment to realise that Donnie was staring at him. "Wha?" he said through a mouthful.

Donnie wrinkled his snout in disgust before speaking again. "Other than your little nap earlier- how much sleep are you getting?"

Raph shrugged. "S'enough."

"Oh really?" Donnie said, frowning. "Because your obviously sleep deprived." He reached out and gently touched Raph's hand. "When are you going to let me help you?"

Raph jerked his hand away, finishing his food. He hoped his silence would be a good answer. Its not like he didn't want Donnie's help but... he didn't want Donnie's help. His brother would suggest all sorts of science mambo jumbo.

"Raph, don't ignore me." Donnie voice strained. "Look at me."

Raph looked at Donnie. He then stopped any retort he had on the edge of his tongue. Donnie's eyes were showing how worried he was.

"I know you don't want to t-take sleeping pills but maybe Matser S-Splinter will have something." Donnie said, trying to smile.

Raph moved from the table, suddenly pulling his brainic into his arms. He hugged him tight. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Donnie didn't say anything- he didn't have to. Although it had alluded Leo and Mikey, Raph had noticed that from time to time Donnie would get nightmares. He never explained to Raph what they were but Donnie usually sort comfort from the red-branded turtle.

All Raph knew was the nightmares started after they had gotten back from the whole Draco and the Damino's son incident a few years ago.

When he gets these nightmares he normally get paranoid about any sort of health problem one of his brothers has.

Raph let out a sigh as he rocked his older bother gently. "Okay, okay, we'll go to Master Splinter together and see if he has anything."

Donnie sat up, smiling. "Thanks Raphie- it means a lot."

Raph grumbled, placing his empty dish in the sink to wash for later. He followed Donnie silently as the headed to Master Splinter's door. Donnie however wasn't silent.

"-just that I've noticed since you became the Nightwatcher and given it up you haven't really slept like you used to and it's like somthing-"

Raph rolled his eyes, tuning his older brother out. As dearly as he loved Donnie as a brother he couldn't bare to listen to him for too long. He knocked gently on Splinter's door and a quiet "come in." soon followed. Raph opened the door and knelt in front of Splinter. His eye drifted to the new photo on Splinter's table... it was Raph and Shadow sleep. It seemed April had wasted no time in printing out the photo and making copies.

"What can I do for you my sons." Splinter said, his voice quiet but a strong, proud gleam in his eye. He had obviously gushed over the photo like April had. Babies did strange things to people's brains.

When Raphael remained silent it was Donnie who spoke for him. "Raphael's not been getting enough sleep and we were wondering if you knew of anything that could help."

Splinter studied his sons for a moment before speaking. "I see you finally got Raphael to admit he has a problem then, Donatello." He smiled at their sheepish looks before pulling out a tiny box. He then took out a small glass tea pot and a glass cup.

Raphael stared at it for a moment. "Tea?"

"Yes, tea." Splinter said, reaching for his little kettle. He has already boiled water for his normal tea but this was more important. "Sepical tea." Splinter poured enough hot water and then realised a little bundle into the water.

Slowly the little bundle began to blossom into a flower. Raphael's eyes widened slightly. "Sensei... what type of flower is that?"

"It's a Saffron Crocus. It's were the spice comes from." Splinter said, studying his son as he poured out a cup- making sure to include some of the floor itself.

"I just... seen it before." Raph mumbled thanks as he took the cup from his father. He blew on it softly before drinking it all in one. He chewed the bitter flower and swallowed. "Okay- now wh...wha..."

Raph's world began to swim. He felt the cup taken from him and his head guided to some one's lap. He closed his eyes, feeling as if he was drifting before sleep took him. As he fell into slumber someone stroked his head.


	2. Chapter 2

Raph tried to warm himself by the fire as he waited for the girl to appear again. He seemed to wait forever before she appeared, holding that bundle in her arms again. This time it was moving- and it was crying.

Raphael got up before she made it to the fire and walked to her. He held out his arms to hold the moving bundle. The woman- now older with black hair but still with the ribbon in her hair- just dropped then bundle into his hands. As soon as it touched his hands the crying baby turned into ash- seeping through his fingers.

Raph yelled in horror

A flower was softly placed in his open, shaking hand. He looked at the girl as she continued to pick flowers and place them on top of the ash in his hands. As he stared at what he now recognised to be Saffron Crocuses, little droplets rolled off his face onto the ash and petals.

The girl touched his face, wiping off the wet substance from his cheek. A quick glance at her hand showed it to be blood. Raphael jerked away from the girl, dropping the ash and flowers into a forming pool of water.

As more blood streamed down Raphael's face it turned into salt water- flooding the floor. He couldn't stop it as the water level quickly rose to his waste. He looked at the girl but she wasn't there anymore. Instead there was a huge, shadowy figure- its mouth shone as it spoke with static.

The water level was soon above his head. He struggled to breathe but there was no indication of a way out of the water. It was everywhere. There was ripples of sunlight casting on him but he couldn't work out from what direction. Something about the sunlight creeped him out- it felt so unnatural.

But as he forced himself from the sunlight- the shadows started to cling to him. They wrapped themselves around him and he was unable to break free. He felt his last bit of air slip away from him.

-

Raphael gasped, shaking- bolting upright. Someone shushed him and gently pushed him back down. A cold towel was pressed to his for head.

"Here." A glass was put against his lips. "You need to intake fluids. You're severally dehydrated."

Raph instantly knew that it was Donnie fussing over him. Only Donnie would use phrases like "intake fluids". Raph opened an eye and stared at his older brother while drinking. Once the water was all gone he found he could speak. "Did you catch the licence plate of the truck that hit me?"

Donnie smiled a little. "Well, it would have been one hell of a truck because you've been out for three days."

"Three days?!" Raph bolted up again- but soon became dizzy and laid back down. It was then he realised his head was in Donnie's lap.

"Yes my Son." Splinter said, alerting Raph to his presence. "I knew it was a possibility as the tea I gave you forces dreams to play out completely. Reoccurring dreams often need to finish before they can move on."

"H-how did you know I was having the same dream over and over?" Raph asked, tilting his head to look at his Sensei.

Splinter smiled sadly. "Call in Father's instinct." He pushed himself up with effort and help from his cane to walk round his small table and kneel next to Raph, stroking his cheek. "You should have come to me earlier."

Raphael remained quiet. He didn't want to burden his aging father with something like nightmares- and he still didn't want to. A moment of weakness on his part had caused more worrying for Splinter. He hated that. Then a thought came to him.

"Wait... shouldn't we be at the farm house?"

Donnie and Splinter looked at each other before Donnie spoke. "We didn't want to move you just encase something went wrong. Leo, Mikey, April, Casey and Shadow went to the farmhouse ahead of us. Once you feel well enough we'll go up after them."

Raph turned his head to look at the ceiling- which meant he was staring straight into Donnie's eyes. Something in his stomach knotted and he had to look away. "Then lets get going."

"My Son, you should rest."

"I can rest in the battle shell." Raph said, smiling at the rat. "Don't worry Father- I'm alright." He then pushed himself up slowly, rubbing the cold cloth over his face and neck. He then stood, his legs shaking from the lack of use.

Splinter nodded silently and began to pack a few items. Donnie opened the door and indicated Raph to follow. There was a few minutes of awkward silence before Donnie asked a question that Raph saw comming from a mile away.

"So... do you feel any better after that."

"A bit, yeah." Raph said, lying to Donnie. "Hopefully I wont have that dream for a while."

Donnie smiled. "If you do- tell us okay?"

Raph grunted in reply before waving Donnie off- heading into his room. He checked for anything else he would need. He had already packed a little before he drank the tea, which was good as he didn't really feel like doing much packing now.

Hooking out a little key hidden in one of his trophy's, Raph unlocked a tiny cupboard he also kept hidden... and for good reason.

Inside were little adult items like magazines and even some lube. He wasn't overly sexually active but he did enjoy it from time to time. And if he did get the urges they would hit sudden and hard... very, very hard.

Normally he wouldn't bother taking this stuff with him but with the changes to the barn and the fact they would be stay for so long he felt he should. It was the last thing he had to pack and he buried them deep in his bag.

He grabbed his sai from self and slung them into his belt. They were his permanent companions and he never went anywhere without them.

Raph then went into the garage and hopped into the back of the battle shell. He placed his bag down next to his shell cycle and lay down on one of the padded benches they had in the back. It was nice to have so much room this time as it took a long time to travel to the farmhouse. The other guys would have taken a vehicle with blacked out window.

One of the many they had now... after all- April and Casey were now millionaires.

Winter had written a Will before he died leaving everything to April. Thousands of years worth for fortune given to his adopted sister. Winter's himself had said that he knew April would be the one to help him set himself free and pay for what he did. Winters didn't have any children so it seemed obvious to give all that money and wealth to someone he thought would end his suffering.

As such Casey and April no longer had to work. They often spent their time doing charity or working on the inventions of the future. Casey had already help support a bunch of down trodden people he had known for years and also helped clean up the streets and open club houses to keep kids from turning to crime.

Each of the turtles mean while now had bank account which were "don't ask don't tell" special cases with the banks. It made buying stuff online much easier. Raph hadn't really used his for much other than a few bike parts but he had enough for thousands of bike parts. Raph was just intent on having only what he needed.

Mikey had completely splashed out the cash. He had bought everything he had ever wanted and as such they had to make the lair a little bigger- which was now no problem. Donnie had also brought lots of expensive equipment. Leo was like Raph and had only bought a few things. Splinter had sort after rare ingredients for medican.

Raph gave a yawn, closing eyes. It was a good thing that Casey and April had brought all of the surrounding land for miles off of their owners so the farmhouse was their own personal holiday center. The building itself had increased dramatically in size- each one of their having their own large rooms as well as other things like swimming pools and even a steam room. It really was heaven on earth. And considering all that they had done over the years they sure deserved such luxuries.

Resting his forearm over his eyes, Raph listened as Donnie loaded the rest of the stuff into the battle shell and Splinter stepped inside. His father sat far away enough to give Raph his personal space but close enough to give him comfort.

He soon found himself slipping back into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Raphael gasped, sitting up. He wiped salt water off of his face, shaking his head to get it off of his bandanna. He pushed himself up, realising that there was sand under him. He looked around, shading his eyes from the horrid sunlight.

Looking away from the sun, Raph stared around him. He was in the middle of a desert and there was absolutely nothing near by in any direction. There was also nothing where he was so he took his first step forwards.

After what seemed like hours, Raphael had to stop. There was a great pain in his mouth. As he raised his hand to his mouth his teeth began to fall into his palm.

-

Raphael shuddered awake, opening his eyes. He looked around- seeing Splinter was sitting by him, stroking his head. He looked into Splinter eyes for a moment before looking away. "Are we there yet?"

"Yes my Son. We've been here for a little while but we didn't want to wake you yet again." Splinter stood from his seat.

"Again?" Raph said, sitting up.

Splinter nodded. "You were having a nightmare so we woke you for a short time." He turned, jumping out of the battle shell. "Michelangelo should have cooked dinner."

"You mean he didn't order take away like normal?" Raphael said, grinning a little. He felt shaken by his dream but he didn't want to worry his father more.

The old rat just smiled and walked inside, knowing his son would follow in his own time. Raphael stood, stretching his limbs. He didn't really feel hungry but he knew he would end up eating. He looked for his bag for a moment and realised that it was probably in his room already.

He stepped out of the battle shell into the large garage that connected onto the mansion. This was also part workshop and he could see his shell cycle was already being taken apart for a tune up. He had ordered parts to be delivered here. So if that was how far Donnie was into the installing process then how long was he out.

Raphael shook his head. The genius must have been in the kitchen. There was no reason for him to stay in the garage so he headed through the mansion to the kitchen area. He opened the door to be greeted by the sound of a baby crying.

"Hey there baby doll." Raphael said- heading straight to Shadow who was sitting in her favorite bouncing chair. As soon as she heard Raph's voice she cried louder until she was held by him. Once held, she calmed- her tiny hand clinging onto his finger as she nuzzled against his plastron.

Raphael tilted his head and kissed her forehead- which was greeted by a squeal of delight. She gave a yawn, shaking and soon fell asleep. Raph rocked her gently, sitting up at the table.

"Thank God Raph." Casey said- he looked absolutely tired. "We've been trying to get her to sleep for DAYS." He scratched his head, causing hair to slip out of the messy pony tail he had. "Guess she was just worried about cha."

Raph slipped Shadow into her bouncing chair softly- making sure not to wake her. "She's a good girl." He watched her for a moment- images of her turning into a ashend bundle like in his dream flashed within his minds eyes. He tore his eyes away and looked at Casey. "You look worse than I feel."

"And you look even worse than I do." Casey said, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. "I thought three days was enough sleep for ya- but you end up sleeping two more hours after you got here."

Raph gave an exacerbated sigh, rubbing his eyes. "I think all the sleepless night are catching up with me. Also, Master Splinter gave me some weird medicine tea and I think its still effecting me."

"Hmm..." Casey said, pushing a glass of water towards Raph. "Here."

"Thanks." He drank. He was much thirstier than he originally thought. He looked to the side and saw Mikey over by the stove. Leo and Splinter were sitting in the living room with April watching Splinter's stories on a large TV.

Donnie was making coffee.

Raph loved the smell of coffee when Donnie made it. The rest of the time it made him feel a bit sick but Donnie made everything seem better. Raph traced his thumb over the top of his glass, staring down into the water. He could barely stomach his water, it was obvious we couldn't eat dinner.

Raph pushed up from the table. "I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Don't want dinner?" Casey said, looking away from Shadow.

Raph gave a shrug. "Don't feel like having more mac and cheese." he turned and left the room.

Once outside Raph took a deep breath. It was early autumn and the weather was between hot and cold. The trees were already losing their leaves and even in the twilight Raph could see all the different colours. Fall was his favorite season.

Walking through the forest was always a treat for him. Being in the sewers all the time made it rare for him to get such sweet smelling air. Now that all the land was bought by April and Casey he was able to walk around without being spotted by the neighbours.

Raph let his feet take him wherever they wanted to go and he soon found his favorite clearing. It was surrounded by willow trees but allowed the moonlight to stream down like it was now. He took a step into the light, closing his eyes. Although sunlight was a rare pleasure- moonlight was an old friend. He drank in the moist air like a drug

Toes touching something- Raph opened his eyes and looked down. He then knelt in the wet grass. Could it be?

On the ground were tiny little budding flowers... little Saffron Crocuses.

He swallowed, touching one gently- water rolling off of the young petals onto his knuckle. He smiled softly. "Hello there little flower." he trailed his hands down and pressed it into the wet earth. "Want to come with me?"

Raphael chuckled to himself despite his strongly beating heart. He could feel the little bulb and he pressed in deeper before scooping- picking up all the little bulbs in one. He pulled them close to his chest, making sure not to spill the dirt. It felt wonderful and cool between his fingers and he could almost feel the life flowing through the tiny petals and the long, spiked leaves.

He needed to put them in some sort of pot so they could live in his room. Which meant he should probably head back to the "farmhouse" mansion. But something in him didn't want to. Maybe he could find one. There's should be plenty of random houses around from where Casey and April bought everyone off. There had to be an empty building around here somewhere.

It took Raph another 15 minutes to find a house. He was shocked to see the light in the livingroom was still on but he could feel the plant heating up in his hands as the earth dried. They could die if he didn't put them into something soon.

As stealthy as his he could be while trying not to loose any of the bulbs, Raph got closer to the house. True enough- the house had a little greenhouse conservatory thing. As he moved closer to the stone patio he could see an empty terracotta pot. He dashed over to it and placed the bulbs into it.

Peeking his head into the little green house he spotted some manure-mixture and a scoop. He dropped some into the pot hoping it would replace any of the minerals lost while walking. Raph looked up and his mouth opened. There were tables and shelves of pots and gardening tools- all professional looking.

Raph stepped more inside, his curiosity getting the better of him. He looked at all the tools- they were all clean and well taken care of. Gloves of all colours and toughness laid upon the table. Watering cans were lined up against the wall near a large tap that seemed to be connected to a rain collector on the outside of the building. There was everything you could ever need to take care of any plant.

But all the plants were dead.

Something in Raph went cold. He turned the tap and allowed the Saffron Crocuses to get a little wet before placing the pot the table. He needed to check something.

Raph placed his hand on the handle of the door between the greenhouse and the main building. It was unlocked and he slowly peered inside the house- his hand resting on his sai ready to draw it at a moments notice. The light stun his eyes a little as he looked into the livingroom.

What he first noticed was the dust. It was so thick it made his throat tickle- threatening to make his cough. He swallowed, trying to prevent making noise. He was tried to not disturb any more dust as he stepped in further. He didn't know where to go next as the living room was empty. He took a door on the right into what appeared to be the kitchen. More dead plants were on the counter and dining table. He also noticed the rotten, nearly completely gone fruit. Little maggots wiggled in the bowl- flies buzzing against the window.

Raph moved to the fridge, opening it suddenly. The smell of rotten meat and bacteria punched him in the face and he coughed this time. More maggots and more flies. The cold spot in Raph got colder. He had to find out what was happening here.

He shut the fridge with disgust. Connected to the kitchen was the bathroom and the floor was covered in shattered mirror pieces and a few dried droplets of blood. Someone had punched the mirror- it was obvious. The shower curtain was torn. It looked like either a fight had happened or someone wasn't having a good day.

Raph crept through the kitchen and back into the livingroom. There was only one more door left. Raph took a deep breath before opening the door to what had to a bedroom.

The smell of rotten meat- far stronger than had been in the kitchen- flooded Raph. It filled his mouth and nose, causing him the choke violently. He dropped to his knees, overwhelmed- finding it hard to breath. Bile rose in his stomach and forced what little contents he had to come out and splash into the floor noisily.

Raphael groaned, wiping his mouth on his wrist band and looked up. The sight that met his almost caused him to vomit again.

Being no stranger to death, Raph had seen many dead bodies but nothing like this. Those bodies were normally fresh. But the rotten skeleton hanging from the stilled ceiling fan by a rope round its neck was not.

Raph stood up, taking a closer look as he held his wrist against his snout to prevent the smell coming into his nostrils. The skeleton barely had any flesh left on it- but it had clothes still. There was odd, maggot filled scrap here and there but the insects had already had their way with the corpse.

"Fuck..." Raph muttered as he continued to stare at the sight before him. He couldn't look away.

Raph shook his head after a moment and something caught his attention. He walked over to the little desk where a lamp shone on a little book. It had little drops of dried blood on it so it looked as if the person wrote in it after they punched the mirror. But it also had his name on it. He pressed his hands to the desk and began to read the shaky handwriting.

_Dear Raphael- you smug bastard._

Was this the plan all along? Was it?! I don't know anymore.

I'm just so sick of everything and so tired. There is nothing for me to do anymore. I lost my job which was my life. I losted my love who was my world. And because I'm now a freak of nature I can't get either back. I guess I don't deserve to be happy.

Everyone's gotta die at some time right? It might as well have one thing in my life that's completely my choice. Fuck knows what happened in my life hasn't been.

So Raphie Babie- have a last fucking beer on me. I wont see you because I'm going to hell!

Fuck you

~ Daniel Floyd. 

Raph took a step back from the table, shaking a little. He covered his mouth for a moment, staring at the little notebook for a while longer. There was indeed a beer next to the note book. He thought for a moment- but only a moment- before he knew what he had to do.

Pushing the beer into his belt and against his shell so it wouldn't fall out- Raph then stood on the bed. The bed sheet has blood- rotten flesh and other dried fluids but he didn't care. He carefully undid the knot that held him in place. He had a ferm grip on the rope and guided it down slowly, laying the skeleton on the bed. Raph then worked off the noose without damaging any of the bones.

"It's okay Daniel..." He scooped the skeleton up into his arms. He pressed his forehead to the skull. "I'm here now. It's gonna be okay..." He bit his lip, feeling a lump in his throat. He didn't know this guy at all and yet...

Tears began to stream down his face. He let out a small cry, holding the bones closer to him.

He couldn't help but feel it was his fault. He knew there was no way the note could be addressed to him but it still had him name on it. It was like a ghost talking to him. He couldn't help be feel responsible for this man's death.

His rational mind began to argue with him. It couldn't be his fault. He didn't know the guy. He had never met him... b-but maybe if he had the guy would still be alive.

Raphael's emotional mind was always stronger than his rational one.

Raph slid off the bed, walking through the livingroom to the greenhouse with this skeleton. He stopped and looked at the little flower pot of Saffron Crocuses. He would have to come back for those later but for now he needed to bury this poor man.

He looked at the range of shovels. It took him a moment to work out which would would have been this gardener's favorite one and placed the skeleton down. He picked up the one that was almost on its own plinth and slung it onto his back.

With that ready- Raphael picked up the skeleton again. He knew exactly where to bury the man.

A while later he was at his favorite clearing where he had found the Saffron Croscues... lent the skeleton against his favorite tree and began to dig. He set into a rhythm, soon making progress with the human size whole. It took him hours to reach which he was sure was the six foot deep mark.

Raph crawled out of the whole and to the skeleton. He lay next to it, panting heavily. It was already sunrise. He opened the beer with his sai and began to drink it down as he watch the sky burst into colour. From black, to light blue... to purple and pinks and yellows and oranges and the red sun began to turn white.

"Thanks for the beer Daniel." Raphael whispered to the skeleton. "I'll pay you back somehow." He stood and picked the skeleton up.

He walked over slowly, humming the death march quietly. He place the skeleton down as gently as he could into the hole.

Raph then spotted something he had missed earlier. He had failed to pluck one Saffron Crocus... he picked it now, placing it into Daniel's hand.

"Everything will be better now." Raph said and he began to push dirt into the hole. He couldn't hold back tears as he watched the skeleton vanished in the mud.

Exhausted both physically and mentally he lay down next to the grave and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Raph just kept walking- his feet covered in hot and angry blisters. He pressed his hands to his knees, taking a moment to catch his breath. He could feel himself losing the will to continue.

Suddenly the ground began to shake, causing Raph to stumble backwards. He slipped over and looked up as something began to grow from the ground. It grew higher and higher- it was the girl in the flower covered dress. She reached her hands up towards the sun and began to split like a bud- blooming into a giant Saffron Crocus.

The long leaves dripped- creating a large spiral staircase. Raph got up and ran to it, running round in circles for what seemed like forever. As he passed round the stem he noticed that in the center of the open stem was a hanging body. But he couldn't stop.

Raphael reached the top, stepping into the flower. It was soft like silk sheets and he slipped into it. He lay in the flower as it shaded him from the horrid sun. Water ran down the petals and collected in the center. He cupped his hand and drank, feeling more relaxed than ever.

Shame there were bone fragments in the water.

-

Raph eyes opened slowly- not wishing to let in the harsh sunlight. He sat up and groaned, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. He looked down at Daniel's grave. When digging he has simply rolled the grass off and laid it back down so you couldn't tell the earth had been disturbed.

He stood up and stretched- feeling his joints click. Raph needed to go back to the farmhouse. He smelt horrible and he needed the right equipment to clean Daniel's house. Also, the only thing he had had in the past 4 days was a beer that luckily wasn't out of date.

Which meant Daniel only died a short while ago.

Raphael turned and picked up the shovel. He should have buried Daniel with it. He couldn't take it with him to the farmhouse as it would raise too many questions so he decided to hide it. He quickly climbed the tree and rested it in the nook of a branch. Thanks to the long branches and leaves of the willow tree it made it hard to see into the center of the tree and therefore see anything in it. It was one of his favorite places to sit.

He bet Daniel like it too.

Raph jumped down from the tree and began to journey back to the farmhouse. It didn't take long for him to get there as he wasn't paying attention. His mind was swamped with the memories of last night and his dream that followed. So swamped that he almost walked straight into Leo.

"Ugh- sorry Leo." Raph said, turning away from his old brother.

"Raph, wait." Leo said. "I've been looking for you everywhere. You weren't in your room and you missed practice this morning." He took a step closer. "Where have you been?"

"Just walking." he turned to leave.

Leo opened his mouth to reply when suddenly coughed, stepped away from Raph. "Wow- what did you walk through?! You stink!"

"Gee- thanks Leo. I was about to go have a shower." he looked sideways at Leo. "I was exploring the surrounding area and lost track of time. I'm sorry. I'll be there tomorrow for practice." And he left before Leo could reply. Maybe he should smell more often. It seemed to ward Leo off easily.

Slipping into his room, Raph began to strip off his gear. He threw it onto the bed and headed into his ensuite bathroom. It was all black slate and marble with red porcelain sink, jacuzzi bath and a red tiled shower. Each of their apartment-room's bathroom lead through a small corridor to a changing room that connected to their own swimming pool. Each swimming pool had a water path to the main pool.

Raph let out a sign, turning on the shower. He was gonna washed off all the residue from Daniel's skeleton and then have a relaxing bath. He scrubbed hard at himself to try and rid himself of the rotten smell but it felt like it clung to him. After a while he gave up and turned the shower off. He headed to the bedroom- dripping wet- and grabbed his sais from the bed.

Raphael always felt a lot more relaxed when he had his best friends with him. He knew they would always be by his side when he needed them.

Raph headed back into the bathroom and filled the bath, soon settling down. The water was hot and still around him as he sank himself into it. He stopped to leave his eyes above the water- occasionally letting out a bubble of oxygen to watch the water ripple.

Daniel's last letter had been addressed to him... or someone with his name. It was creepy and hit him straight into the heart. He had done what he could for Daniel now but he wished he had been for him beforehand. He might have seen him while in the forest- Raph had to hide from the other landowners before. Maybe Daniel had been one of them.

Raph sat up, pulling his knees closer. He reached over to his one of sais which he had placed on the side counter and began to balance it on his index finger. It was something he did whenever he was bored or stressed. It required all concentration and was a great way to take his mind off of things.

The image of Daniel- the rope around his neck- just about the jump flashed through Raphael's mind.

The momentary lapse of concentration was enough for the extremely sharp sai to slip; slicing its way down Raph's outer forearm and inner leg before hitting the tub with a sharp noise.

"Shit!" Raph said, his hand cupping his inner leg and his other hand cupping his forearm. He was luckily- they sai missed any arteries but it was still deeper than Raph would have liked. He hadn't done that since he was a turtle tot.

Watching the blood leak through his fingers into the large bath of clear water, Raph found his grip loosening. It danced like crimson flowers and they were beautiful.

Raph let go of his wounds and watched as bubbles of blood blossomed in the water like blooming tea.

Picking up his sai from the bottom of the deep bath, Raph rested back. He brought up his hand and placed his sai point against his little finger. His index finger also has a cut from the sai but it was just like a pin prick. His fingertips were too calloused. Raph took a steady breath and stabbed his little finger enough to make it bleed. He placed it into the water and moved it- making the blood blossom from his finger.

It was so beautiful and the pain was so soothing. All that had bunched up inside him was now flowing out with his blood. It was like a great pressure inside him was being equalised.

Raph took a deep breath and leans backwards into the water. He let himself sink to the bottom calmly before taking his sai tightly in his hand. Raphael placed the blade against where his plastron met the skin and began to cut.

Blood seeped and swirled out- dancing for him. It bloomed and blossomed- soon turning the rest of the water red. A bark of laughter erupted from Raph's mouth- making bubbled force their way through the water. His mouth filled with water as his laughter forced more of air out.

He began to choke.

Raph jolted upright out of natural preservation instincts. He spluttered- pushing the water out of his airway system. He shook, covering his face.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!" Raph gasped. He jumped out of the bath, grabbing his sai. He pulled the plug and washed any of the bloody residue. He looked at himself in the mirror- his cuts were still bleeding. Not badly but if anyone saw him they would worry. Not to mention he had a faint layer of red all over his skin.

But he couldn't stay in the bathroom any longer.

Raph rushed into the bedroom and went into the wardrobe, pulling out his clothes. He soon found what he was looking for- his leathers. Quickly, Raphael dressed himself. The clothes hide all the cuts and the new leather disguise the faint bloody smell. He pulled on his jackboots and his helmet. He took a duffle bag and headed to the supply closet.

Raph was lucky as he didn't meet a single person on his way there. Grabbing all manner of bleaches and cleaning equipment he realise he has no idea if Daniel had any at his place. But he didn't have time to think as he wanted to get out of the mansion as soon as possible. He suddenly felt claustrophobic- as if there were eyes everywhere watching what he had just done.

Raph grabbed everything he could fit in the bag and then headed into the kitchen. There was a backpack on the side and he shoved not only food but a medical kit into it. He placed his shell cell on the table. He knew it had a tracker and he didn't want anyone following him this time.

It was then the sound of a baby crying leaked through his helmet.  
Raph raised the visa to see where Shadow was. She was on the sofa with an unconscious Casey. If Casey woke up now he would ask what Raph was doing. But then again Raph couldn't just run out on his little Niece.

Running over to the sofa, Raph scooped Shadow into his arms. "Shh... you're gonna get Uncle Raph in trouble."

She seemed to calm down, clinging onto his finger. Raph then tried to put her down but she soon started to cry again.

"I can't take you with me! You'll get sick!" Raph hissed. He then let out a sigh. It wasn't her fault- she just wanted his attention. He lifted up his helmet and kissed her forehead before slipping her into the baby bouncer. Raph then began to hum, rocking her until she finally fell asleep.

Raph watched her for a moment before he turned- picking up both bags and dashing out into a garage. He stopped by the door, listening for Donnie. Luck was on his side once again as the genius was not working on his bike. As he drew closer he could see it was finished. Although he had to do one adjustment.

This bike had a tracker on it. Donnie thought Raph didn't know but he knew every inch of this bike. He soon found the tracker and slipped it off, breaking it with the spanner he found next to it. They wouldn't be able to find him now.

Hopping onto the bike Raph pressed the switch that open the garage door. With a quick reeve of the engine he was soon away from the farmhouse.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Raph had cleaned was the bathroom. It was the easiest room to clean. All he had to do was sweep up the glass and remove the shower curtain. Also a little dusting was required but that was quick with the hand held vacuum he had. Apart from stuff that was rotten- and of course the bedroom- the place was pretty clean. It seemed like Daniel was a clean person.

Raph winced as he slowly stripped off the biker gear. He was covered in blood. It wasn't that it was a lot of blood it was more the fact that he had been bleeding for a while. He fished into the medical kid and took out a medical needle and thread. He unwrapped it, he rested his foot on the bath tub. Raph gripped his leg to look at the cut. It was definitely too close to his artery than he would have liked.

Taking a deep breath Raph began to stitch his skin back together. He wished Donnie was the one to do it but Donnie would have asked question. He tied it off and then moved to his arm. The stitching on his arm ended up clumsy but it was the best he could do. Raph then did the cut above his plastron. This was the hardest as he had trouble angling the needle. Once that was finished he took anti-bacterial wipes and wiped off all the blood and then wrapped them in gorze. He discarded all the waste into the black plastic sack with the broken mirror. Next he had to tackle the fridge to store his own food.

Raph shuddered at the thought of the fridge as he laid his leathers over the side of the tub to dry. Once it was dry he could clean it with rubbing alcohol. Chucking leathers into the washing machine was big no-no.

Walking as slowly as possible, Raph grabbed a medical mask from bag as well as customised rubber gloves. He wished he had a biohazard suit though. He winced in preparation as he placed his hand on the fridge handle and pulled on it.

The smell flooded the kitchen and Raph had to hold back anything he was gonna spew. He looked in the fridge. It was what appeared to be the milk and prime cut steak that was causing the horrible smell. There wasn't much else in there. Raph grabbed the offensive food and chucked it into the bag- tying it tight. He then ran outside and dumped it on the grass- taking in a huge breath of fresh air.

Raph then returned to the kitchen. It was already smelling much better. Grabbing the bleach and a washcloth he started to clean any residue. Once the bleach was washed off he placed his own food in there. It should last him a little while so he wouldn't have to go to the farmhouse any time soon.

He then grabbed Daniel's mop and bucket and began washing the floor. Bit by bit the kitchen was soon clean- all food that was out of date was thrown out and the pile of garbage bags soon grew. There was a cupboard stacked with tin food that was all in date.

It made Raph wonder how long Daniel had been dead for. Maybe it was only a month or so.

Very little time passed before Raph was cleaning the living room. It was just dust here. He had a good look at each item as he dusted. There were almost no photos anywhere and any there were of Daniel had his face scratched or burned out... it gave Raph a cold feeling inside. It was like Daniel was trying to erase himself.

Raphael gave a sigh as he placed one photo of Daniel in Paris on the shelf. Daniel must have had a lot of money if he was able to go to Europe. There were little things here and there that showed Daniel was well off. Things like the size of the fridge as well as the size of the TV. And this awesome sound system that Raph was currently dusting.

Raph hummed, leaning closer. He couldn't see what CD was in there but whatever it was, it was the last thing Daniel had played. He turned the volume down and pressed play. A slow piano gracefully filled the room.

_It started off so well  
They said we made a perfect pair  
I clothed myself in your glory and your love  
How I loved you,  
How I cried... _

Raph took a step backwards. He knew this song. It was a Queen song. He loved Queen. He dropped the vacuum and sat on the floor, hugging his knees.

_The years of care and loyalty  
Were nothing but a sham it seems  
The years belie we lived a lie  
"I'll love you 'til I die" _

Moving his mask, Raph covered his eyes and bit his lip. He then began to sing along in his deep voice- harmonizing with Freddie Mercury as best he could.

_Save me Save me Save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me Save me Oh...  
I'm naked and I'm far from home_

The slate will soon be clean  
I'll erase the memories,  
To start again with somebody new  
Was it all wasted

All that love?...

I hang my head and I advertise  
A soul for sale or rent  
I have no heart, I'm cold inside  
I have no real intent 

Tears began to leak down Raphael's face. They were uncontrollably as he raised his voice to sing louder- allowing him let out the pressure that was building in him.

_Save me Save me Save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me Save me Oh...  
I'm naked and I'm far from home_

Each night I cry, I still believe the lie  
I'll love you 'til I die

As the song played out Raph lay back, sobbing. He gripped his shoulders and let out a whine that escalated into as heart wrenching sob. He shook uncontrollably, his emotions flooding out in a way Raph had never felt before. It was something had uncorked his heart and it was bleeding out. It was making his heart hurt so badly.

It took awhile for him to calm down. He felt drained and empty but oddly refreshed. The pressure had left his head and he let out a shaky breath. Raph sat up, reaching over for a tissue from the side table to wipe his eyes. It was then he noticed a box. He frowned and stood, walking over to it. It was on the bottom shelf of the book case and he pulled it out and placed it on the floor. He then removed the lid.

Inside were loads and loads of note pads like the one he had seen on the table of the bedroom- the one with the suicide note in it. And these ones were numbered. Raph pulled out the one labeled 1 and opened it on the first page. Childish handwriting met his eyes as well as spelling mistakes that he could mentally correct.

_Dear Raphael._

My name is Daniel Floyd and I am 6 years old. Mommy says that I should write to you as you are my guardian angel.

I want Mommy to get better. I want you to make Mommy better. Please, pretty please! Please please!

-Daniel Floyd aged 6 

"Guardian Angel?" Raph mumbled to himself. He felt that stabbing in his heart again. He looked at the date and did a quick calculation.

Daniel was the same age as him.

Raph slowly lowered himself to sit down on the carpet and continued to read.

-

Leo had watched as Raph had nearly run to his room. Leo shook his head- he would talk to Raph tomorrow morning after pratice. He waved his hand infront of his snout to try and ward off the smell of his brother. It was like he rolled around in something rotten. To be honest- he wouldn't put it past Raph if he did. He knew his second youngest brother loved to dive into autumn leaf piles and sometimes they could smell rotten.

Leonardo turned and walked in the other directions towards to garage. He could hear Donnie working and he loudly walked inside to make sure that the genius knew he was there. He didn't want the brainiac to threaten him with the welding tool like he did last time he had snuck up on him.

"Hey Donnie- how's Raph's bike coming along?" Leo said, poking his head round the battle shell.

"Just finished actually." Donnie said, lifting up his welding mask and stepping away from the machine. He took a deep breath and placed the welding tool on the table- turning off the gas and locking it in place so a certain turtle couldn't accidentally set fire to the place if he got curious. As Leo stepped closer Donnie stripped off his gloves- wiping off any black smoke residue.

"So- are you free this afternoon?" Leo said, his arms crossed.

"Yes...?" Donnie said, looking at him suspiciously. "Whhhyy do you ask?"

"Because you're getting some fresh air. You've been inside here ever since you came." Leo said, taking Donnie's hand. He then literally began to drag Donnie outside.

"B-but Leo! I have a lot more stuff to fix!" Donnie said, trying to grab the battle shell.

"Donnie, this place is brand new. They just finished building it. There is- nothing- to- fix!" With a great yank- Leo pulled Donnie off of the battle shell and threw him over his shoulder.

Donnie pouted in defeat and soon found himself outside next to the pool. "Okay, you can put me down now." He then realised Leo was still walking. "Leo! Put me down!"

"Okay Donnie." Leo said, throwing him into the large swimming pool.

Donnie screamed out as he was submerged in water. It was the perfect temperature but it was still a shock. As he swam to the surface he saw the older turtle jump in beside him, grinning his face off. Mikey was such a bad influence on the leader.

Donnie broke the surface with a gasp, clinging onto the side of the pool. Leo came up behind him. "Sorry Donnie- I couldn't resist."

"You're a terrible person." Donnie said, scowling at Leo for a moment.

"Don't be like that Don." Mikey said, standing by the edge of the pool. He was also grinning his face off. "Fearless is finally getting a sense of humour."

Donnie and Leo looked at each other for a moment before a grin spread across both of their faces. A grin of pure evil. Both of their hands shot out before Mikey could react and pulled him into the water with a big splash.

Mikey squirmed and pulled both of his older brothers down with him. They tousled for a moment before all breaking the surface one by one. Donnie was the last to and he was greeted by the sight of Mikey's arms resting on Leo's shoulders. Both were panting- their mouths close to one another.

Donnie looked away and swam to the side of the pool. He was yet again the third wheel. He had known for almost a year that Leo and Mikey were... dating for lack of a better word. The Leader's ninja skills were pathetic when he had a boner. Donnie was worried at first that it would damage their recently reformed team but that wasn't the case. Leo had become much more friendly while still being a firm leader. Mikey also behaved a lot better. If Mikey was going too far with his teasing or doing something he shouldn't then it just took one look from the older to make him stop.

This was partly to do with a promise they made to Master Splinter. Leo had indeed sort acceptance from their Father and had received it on the one proviso that if it affected the team too much then they would break up and returned to being just brothers.

April and Casey didn't officially know but the look they gave Leo and Mikey at times showed that they did know and accepted it. The only person didn't officially or unofficially know was Raph. Although Leo and Mikey had felt relaxed enough around Donnie to do what they did- they had been unimaginably careful around Raph.

Raph was one of these people who it was hard to get his opinion on certain things. Certain things like gays and relationships in general. Donnie believed that Raph had long ago accepted the fact that they were unlikely to find someone to have a relationship with. Raph always avoided the issues and concentrated on what he believed to be more important- like beating up thugs.

Although they didn't let on- Donnie knew Leo and Mikey were so scared of rejection and so scared that that rejection would ruined their team that they had kept it hidden from Raph. If it ruined the team then Leo and Mikey would have had to break up.

"You okay Donnie?"

"Yeah." Donnie turned, smiling his perfectly masked smile. "You two need some time alone?"

Mikey and Leo looked at each other before letting going of each other. Mikey rubbed the back of neck, blushing a little. Leo stepped closer to Donnie. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Donnie turned around to look at the view of the forest. "I'm just worried about Raph."

"We're all worried about Raph." Leo said, coming closer. "But you know how he gets. He won't let us help him until he's ready."

"You didn't hear the way he screamed in his sleep." Donnie said, playing with his wet bandana tails. "While sleeping under the influence of that tea we could hear what he was going through. He screamed and he sobbed and he choked. I wasn't allowed I wake him. Splinter s-said it needed to play out or i-it could make it worse... like a sleepwalker..." He covered his face. "All I could do was hold him there and hope he would wake up soon. It took three days."

Leo wrapped his arms around Donnie. "Shh... he'll be okay..."

Donnie shook his head, trying not to let out a sob. "B-but when he slept in the Battle Shell the same thing happened. He slept for over a day. We just told him he slept for two hours so as not to worry him."

"Master Splinter said it needs to get worse before it can get better." Leo whispered, tightening his embrace.

"W-what if it gets so worse it will never get better?" Donnie finally let out a sob. "What if he has a complete break down? Or worse?"

"That won't happen!" Mikey interpreted, swimming to get next to Donnie. "Raph isn't the type to do that. We're too important to him! He wouldn't leave us like that!"

Donnie moved his hands away from his face. "Mikey... you didn't hear him."

"Yeah... but..." Mikey said, looking close to tears himself.

"Guys." Leo interrupted, his leadership taking over. "Today we'll leave Raph alone but in the morning after practice we'll talk to him about it. We'll try to find out what's wrong with him. But we won't press it as you know what he's like. We'll just be there for him."

Donnie and Mikey nodded in agreement. "That sounds like a plan to me." Donnie rested back in Leo's arms.

Swimming back a little, Leo allowed Mikey to get in front of Donnie- sandwiching the brainiac between them. Mikey slid his hands up Donnie's plastron, making the older shudder. "You know our offer still stands..."

Donnie let out a pant as Leo dipped his head down, lapping at Donnie's neck. Donnie bit his lip as Mikey joined in- licking the other side of Donnie's neck. He could feel Leo's hands trailing down his sides as Mikey's trailed up Donnie's legs- caressing his tail.

Donnie let out a helpless moan. No, this isn't how he wanted it to happen. Quickly he pushed himself downwards in the water and surfaced next to them. "Sorry guys." he panted "I'm just... not ready."

Leo and Mikey exchanged looks.

"It's okay Don-Don." Mikey said. "We understand. We just wanted to cheer you up."

"Thanks, but I'm okay." Donnie began to swing to the other side of the pool. He wanted time to think about tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Raphael._

Did Mommy not deserve to live? Was she a bad person? Mommy said that bad things happen to bad people. So was I bad? What did I do? If I said sorry would it bring Mommy back? Please bring Mommy back. I want Mommy back. Please.

Please Raphael, bring Mommy back.

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael,

Some people came round today and found Mommy and they took me away from her. They took my toys in bag and I ride in the back of a cop car. It didn't make the noise and that made me sad.

I want to see Mommy again soon.

Could I please see her soon?

Please?

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael.

I ran away. I can't take anymore of that fucking foster home. I've been there for five years. Five years of fucking abuse. They can all go to fucking hell. Better a 13 year old on the streets than with that creep. I just gotta find somewhere that will take me in.

Any ideas Raph?

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael,

Gardening eh? I'll give it a shot.

As you know I was sleeping in what I thought was was an abandoned patch of land but was some rich dude's back yard. Luckily Pete- the head gardener- stepped in and told the rich dude that I was gonna be his new apprentice. Which is apparently a huuugeee deal.

So, I've got a chance at a new life. I'm fucking taking it.

Thanks Raph. Sometimes you swing things my way.

-Daniel.

-

Dear Raphael,

Flowers are fucking hard work. Fucking things try to die on your all time. So much crawling in the dirt. But, you know what, it's kinda cool seeing it when it's finished.

I'm learning a skill that rich dudes will always need. They're too fucking lazy to do it themsleves.

Pete says I got a natural talent for it though. Kinda nice not to hear someone calling me useless for once

Later Raphie

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael.

It's been a hard four years but I've finally fully qualified. Not just that but with all the garden shows I've won I have people phoning me from all over. And fucking paychecks! WOO!

I can start building my dream house. Just a small little place for me to chill. Make it seem like a normal house on the outside but make it a party inside. Maybe get a bitchin camero.

You know, I doubted you for ages but you're finally pulling through for me, angel-boy.

-Daniel

-

Dear Raphael,

I met him. I want him.

I always chased after girls. But I was doing another garden show and just received my prize when I saw him in his cream coloured shirt and suit-pants. He looked like a girl thats for sure.

Upper Class rich pampered boy and me?

I know what I want to do for him.

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael,

I have been so happy since me and Flurin started going steady. Two years we've been going steady and he makes me so happy. I work myself to a bone to make him comfortable- after all he's used to a pampered life. I'm thinking about showing him my secret house soon. Think that's a good idea?

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael.

I had an accident.

While fixing a lawn mower it blew. My face was the worst hit but the rest of my body was burnt too. I'm sitting here waiting for my love to come and take me out of hospital.

-Daniel

-

Dear Raphael

Flurin left me. He couldn't stand to be with someone who didn't look beautiful. It seems a lot of rich people have that attitude since no one wants to hire someone who looks like this.

I fucking hate it.

Luckily I have a lot of savings. I'm sure it won't be long until they see sense. No one can match my gardening skills.

Please Raphie- swing something my way. I'm going stir crazy here.

- Daniel

-

Dear Raphael- you smug bastard.

Was this the plan all along? Was it?! I don't know anymore.

I'm just so sick of everything and so tired. There is nothing for me to do anymore. I lost my job which was my life. I losted my love who was my world. And because I'm now a freak of nature I can't get either back. I guess I don't deserve to be happy.

Everyone's gotta die at some time right? I might as well have one thing in my life that's completely my choice. Fuck knows what happened in my life hasn't been.

So Raphie Babie- have a last fucking beer on me. I wont see you because I'm going to hell!

Fuck you

~ Daniel Floyd.  


Raphael closed the diary solemnly. He had finished cleaning too. He now knew everything about Daniel that he had written down in those tiny books.

Raph pressed his hand over his heart, digging his fingers into his plastron. There was that stabbing in his heart again. He knew now that all Daniel needed was for someone to be with him- just a friend. He was completely alone.

Daniel died completely alone.

Raph sat on the bed, a beer in his hand. He could see the light threatening to peek through the curtains. He groaned, shifting to turn off the ceiling light with the closet light switch- only nothing happened. Raph frowned and sat up to look at it better. He tried flipping it a few more times. Still nothing. He walked to the other switch by the door and flipped it and the light turned off.

Raphael moved back to the bed and looks at the switch. Something was special about this switch. He ran his fingers along the side till he felt something. He pressed it and the fitting flipped open, relieving a key hole.

Raph darted quickly to the livingroom where the keys were and came back to the room. He then tried every key until he found one that fit. There was a satisfactory click and the book case opened. He grabbed a torch from his backpack and turned it on and walked inside the secret room.

First he met a set of spiral stairs. He went down carefully and came to a corridor. Very long corridor of shelves. It had to be underground. There was more food stored here. There were shelves of budding bulbs.

Once he had walked past that he could see a much larger room. This room had a single piano. Daniel had mentioned playing piano and he had assumed the man had given up but it was obvious he hadn't. Raph walked over to it. The keys were a little scratched from use but it looks like a very high tech piano, some though it achieved the old fashioned grand piano look.

Raph looked around. There was another door. Raph stepped closer and opened it, shinning the light in. He jaw dropped for a moment before he grinned. Daniel got his bitchin-red-camaro.

Raph stepped inside and looked for the keys. There were in the eginition. He sat in the front seat and lower down the backrest to make a wonderfully comfortable bed.

"Goodnight Daniel."


	7. Chapter 7

"He's not here." Leo finally concluded, meeting his brothers at the front of the farmhouse.

"His bike is gone." Donnie said, not trying to hide his worry. "We need to find him. What if he does something stupid?"

"And this is Raph we're talking- he always does stupid stuff." Mikey said, gesturing wildly.

Leo rubbed his chin for a moment in thought. "What about the trackers? Have you picked up a signal from them?"

Donnie shook his head. "Raph left his shell cell on the kitchen table... and he took off the tracker from his bike. Meaning..."

"That he didn't want to be followed." Leo said.

"And that he left on his own, not kidnapped." Donnie said, but it didn't ease his worry.

"See!" Mikey added. "Stupid stuff! We still have to look for him!"

"I agree ." Doinne added.

"But he could be anywhere." Leo reasoned. It wasn't that he didn't want to look for Raph it was more of the fact that he didn't want his brothers to freak out if they couldn't find him.

"Or he could still be here in the property." Donnie interrupted. He then turned. "I'm going to look for him. You can help me or wait here. I don't really care either way Leo."

Leo watched quietly as Donnie walked away. Mikey followed after Donnie straight away and Leo then joined the search group.

-

"I had no idea there were so many houses around here." Leo mumbled to himself and the peered inside yet another empty house. He normally avoided this area of the forest since there were people who lived here.

Donnie took out a map from his duffle bag. "It's the last one on the map though." He gave out a sigh. They had been searching for hours. Still nothing. Not a single sign of Raph.

"Hey guys! Check this out!"

"Mikey..." Donnie groaned, peering over his map. "If it's another weirdly shaped tree stump than I'm not interested."

"No Donnie, this will really interest you." Mikey said in a sing-songy way.

Donnie walked over and Leo followed. Mikey lead them a little way aways till them came to a clearing. There was Raph's bike.

"Mikey!" Donnie rushed forwards. "How did you find it?!"

Mikey just shrugged. "It was parked here."

Leo walked over to the bike and looked at it, studying the wheels. his tracker instincts were kicking in. "Did you wash the bike before Raph took it?"

"Yeah, I did." Donnie said, looking at the bike also. "Why do you ask?"

"Judging by the lack of mud on his tires he drove on the road and then cut into the forest- rather than driving around in the forest. Which means he came to this location for a reason." Leo started to look around, kneeling. "And the grass has been disturbed- cut away and replaced."

"Look's like he did some digging." Mikey said, humming. As the two gave him a questioning look he pointed to a hole in the ground. It was shallow. "Digging up mushrooms maybe?"

Donnie walked over and pulled out a sprouting bulb. "Flowers actually."

Mikey burst out giggling- an image of Raph prancing around with flowers stuck in his head. "Raph, with pretty flowers? Maybe he could wear a dress too- and make up! He would be the prettiest turtle at the ball!"

It was then that Leo gave him his powerful "you better stop that" look. "It may be attitudes like that which has caused Raph to hide from us."

"Oh come off it Fearless." Mikey said, closing his eyes a sighing. "Raph doesn't care what we think of him."

Donnie shot Mikey a look. "And I suppose you wouldn't care what he thought of you and Leo together?"

Mikey went silent. Leo shook his head. "Arguing among ourselves won't bring Raph back. We need to keep looking now that we know he's in the forest." Leo took a deep breath, trying to work out where his second youngest brother would have gone. He then pointed. "Lets try this way."

The two younger turtles followed their older brother and his instincts for what seemed like forever- at least to Mikey. It was only 10 minutes in reality before they came across a house.

Donnie took out his map and checked it again. "This one isn't on the map. Which means it was built illegally." He put the map away. "It's still on April and Casey's land but be careful."

Leo hummed in unhappy agreement. "We should have scouted out all of their land for squatters."

"Well, no point standing around!" Mikey said, rushing over to the building in a very unstealthy way.

Leo facepalmed and groaned. "Mikey! Ninja like!"

But Mikey was already peering inside the house. "Don't worry Leo- no one's in."

"Is it also empty?" Donnie said, coming up behind Mikey.

Mikey shook his head. "Nope- this has got stuff in it.

Leo practically appeared next to them in his normal silent manner. "Then we need to be careful just in case." he beckoned to them to get closer to him. He slipped out his katana in the tiny gap in one of the windows and pushed- opening the window wide enough to let them in.

Mikey was the last one in and he flopped onto the carpet. He stood up and brushed himself off. "And we couldn't use the front door?"

"Shh..." Leo pressed a finger to Mikey's lips- causing the younger to blush. "Ninja-like."

Donnie rolled his eyes and began to look around. The place was very clean. Too clean. He stepped into the kitchen, sniffing. "The place smells like bleach in here." He opened the fridge. "And there's food that's in date. Someone lives here."

"So Raph was here?" Mikey said hopefully.

Leo shook his head, picking up the mail. "No, looks like someone called... Daniel Floyd lives here. I can't see anything that suggests that Raph has been here."

Donnie checked the bathroom before coming back into the livingroom. "I'm getting an odd feeling about this place... whoever cleaned used enough bleach to get rid of a lot of very bad smells..."

Leo frowned for a moment. "You think something bad happened here?"

"I'm not too sure." Donnie contemplated.

"Guys..." Mikey said in his slightly freaked out tone. "The creepy meter just went up." He was pointing at the mantelpiece where rows of photographs stood. All the photographs of this one person had the faces scratched or burnt out.

Donnie gave a little shudder. "Definitely creepy." He then looked at the one room left. "I think we should check the bedroom and get out of here."

"Yes." Leo agreed. "We need to speak with April and Casey about this place and also see if they know who this Daniel is." He turned and walked to the bedroom door, opening it slowly to give them time to vanish if they had to.

Only to be greeted by nothing

Leo pushed the door all the way open and stepped inside. This place smelt even more of bleach and he could make out a stain on the carpet that had been scrubbed at. But there was no sign of anyone here.

Donnie stepped forwards and examined the stain. He look out a test tube and pulled out carpet fibers, putting them in the sterile tube for testing later.

Leo meanwhile was looking at the walls. There was something nagging at the back of his mind about this place. Like there was something hidden. He rubbed his chin, staring at the book case. "Donnie... is there somthing... odd about this room to you?"

Donnie looked up from the carpet and looked at the bookcase that Leo was watching. Donnie frowned also and got up, going to it. He knocked on it and his frown deepened. "It doesn't seem hollow." He then knocked the wall next to it. "Nore does the wall." He hummed and he examined it more. "I can't see any join ether."

"Dudes- can we get out of here?" Mikey said, his eyes shifting. "I feel like someone's gonna appear at any moment."

Leo nodded, trusting Mikey's feelings. "Okay, let's move out. We'll talk to Casey and April about this place and then come back later. Even if Raph hasn't been here something has happened."

"And I need to examine this." Donnie held up his sample of carpet. "Maybe we'll get some answers."

All three turtles made a move, leaving the place the way they had come in.

-

Raph woke with a snort- his cheek smeared in his own saliva. He wrinkled his snout in disgust as he sat up. Thats why they didn't make beds out of leather- they don't absorb bodily fluids.

He took a shaky step out of the car. He needed to eat something. He grabbed his flashlight and made his way back towards the bedroom. On the way back he grabbed a few flower bulbs. He wanted to restore the greenhouse in honor of Daniel as the man's life had been all about gardening.

Raph pulled on a large switch at the top of the spiral staircase and the door opened. He stepped out and it shut behind him. He stopped for a moment. Something seemed a little weird. He shook his head as he walked through the bedroom to the living room. The window was open. He hadn't left it open.

Raphael frowned as he closed it.


	8. Chapter 8

"David Floyd?" April questioned as she bounced Shadow on her hip. The little baby was crying still and they had no idea what was wrong. "I don't think I know him. Why do you ask?"

"We came across a house where he lived- or rather still lives." Leo said over breakfast, but his tea was left forgotten over the conversation. "We came across a house late yesterday that looked as if someone still lived there."

"Is it on our property?" April asked, stopping in her bouncing motion to frown a little.

Leo nodded. "Donnie says its not on the map so maybe that's why he's still there."

"Well he's on private property now." April said. "I'm gonna call the cops and get them to remove him."

"No, no." Leo gestured. "We can take care of it. And with Raph still missing in the forest then we don't want the authorities walking around."

"Good point." April put the phone down and switched Shadow to her other hip. Little Shadow squirmed, clinging onto her mother's shirt angrily and gave a shout of annoyance. "Leo, could you help?"

Leonardo nodded and picked up Shadow, pulling her into his arms as April continued to cook breakfast. Shadow squirmed more, trying to smack Leo's face as the oldest turtle trying to sooth her.

"Wow, she's grumpy today." Leo said, bouncing her a little as she gave a few more angry shouts.

April sighed, looking exhausted. "She's been that way since Raph left. Shadow's so used to spending time with him because he has such a weird sleep pattern." April turned, wooden spoon in her hand as she pointed. "It doesn't help that Casey's sulking too."

"He is Raph's best friend." Leo said, looking sadly at Shadow. "Casey knows Raph better than all of us." he then realised what he said. "Casey... knows Raph better than all of us!"

"Speak of the devil." April said as Casey- half asleep- walked in. "Casey darling, do you know someone called Daniel Floyd?"

"Eh?" Casey looked at her blearily before stumbling closer and sitting at the table. "Daniel Floyd...? Name rings a bell. What's he look like?"

"Dunno." Leo said, passing Shadow to Casey as Shadow wasn't in the mood to be held by her Uncle Leo. "All the photos he had of his face were burned or scratched."

Casey stop in mid bouncing of Shadow. "Oh... him..."

"You know who he is?" Leo leaned in. "Tell me everything Casey."

Casey made a slightly disgusted face before he place Shadow into her bouncing chair. "Daniel was..." Casey thought for a moment, his eyes narrowed. "Was... very much like Raph. I met him at a garage I worked in when we were over here. You know, I had part time jobs everywhere."

"Go on." Leo said, urging Casey to get back on track.

Casey shifted. "The man was well off. He had a cherry red camaro. Very nice beast that was." he shook his head. "Yeah, the guy was well off. From what I know of him he was a gardener. We chatted a little since we both liked cars. He mentioned having a partner who he was gonna bring down to show his house. He lived all over the place but his house here was his favorite place."

"We went to his place. There was something very strange about it." Leo said, he then shifted. "Do you know anything else about him? Why do you describe him like Raph?"

"It was just a vibe I got from him." Casey said, trying to think of the right words to say. "It was the way he held himself. He was the way Raph holds himself. Like... he had been through difficulties and had come out successful. But it was also like he was emotionally damaged by it." Casey rubbed his neck. "Not sure how to explain it better."

"Anything else about him?" Leo said, feeling as if the information would be important.

Casey's face changed to an expression of mild disgust and sadness. "He had an accident. I saw him once after it." Casey held his hand up to his face a circled it. "All of his face was burnt off. It was horrifying to see." Casey rested his hand down. "But it wasn't just his face... his mind had gone too. I was at the garage getting gas when he came up to me. It was three months ago-"

-

_"Hey there Mr Jones."_

"Oh, hi there Daniel." Casey said, watching the meter measure the gas. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been good. Very good infact." Daniel said, something off about his tone. "But not as good as you I hear."

Casey chuckled. "You heard about that huh?" He then grinned. "Well, it was all over the news. i had no idea why the guy gave us all that money but I'm just happy he did. I've infact come up here to survey the building they're doing. We've buying up the land and getting a mansion built."  
Casey turned around. His eyes widened. "D-daniel?"

Daniel face was completely destroyed. It was sickly white and red in places. It looked like melted plastic and his facial features were a hideous shadow of their former self. But it was Daniel's eyes. They were dark and hunting. "Is something wrong Casey?". They were eyes of madness.

"I just realised the time. I have to go." Casey said, hurrying to put away the gas dispenser and closing the lid to the tank. Went to pull out his keys when Daniel's hand gripped Casey's wrist.

"I could plan your garden..."

"Thanks but-" Casey pulled out his wrist, moving quickly into the car. "We're not gonna have a garden." He waved Daniel off and drove away, his heart beating fast.

-

"And that's the last time I saw him." Casey gave a shudder, rubbing his wrist. "That man needs help." he then rested his hands on the counter. "Daniel's... how I imagined Raph to be if he lost it. I think that's what scared me so much."

Leo remained silent for a moment, his mind reeling. If a man like that was out there in the forest then Raph could be is danger. Obviously his brother could fight for himself but... with a mad man around... Leo didn't want to take any chances. He HAD to find Raph now.

It was then Mikey came bursting into the room. Everyone looked up and Leo jumped to his feet. He knew instantly something was wrong. "Mikey?"

Mikey was standing there, shaking badly. Leo walked over to him and placed his hand on Mikey's shoulder. "Mikey, what's wrong?"

Mikey lifted his head- tear streaming down his face. "I-I..." He rubbed at his eyes, letting out a wail. His whole body shook with sadness and he clung onto Leo and his knees try to give way.

Leo caught him and lifted him into his arms bridal style. He nuzzled Mikey's wet cheek. "Mikey, what's wrong? I can't make it better if you don't tell me."

Mikey just pressed his snout to Leo's neck, hiccuping. Leo sighed a little. He knew what he could do. He gave Casey and April a "sorry for this, see you later" look before leaving the room. He headed to his own bedroom, which was in the japanese architectural side of the house. He slid the door open with his foot and stepped inside. He placed Mikey down on his large futon before closing the door. When he turned back, Mikey was already curled up, sobbing into Leo's favorite pillow.

Leo walked over slowly and sat on the futon. It had been this way the first time he had been with Mikey. Leo slid his hand along Mikey's inner leg to his hidden pocket. He presses his thumb against it and began to massage. A wet moan came between Mikey's sobs and Leo found himself panting, already turned on.

"Slip down like a good boy." Leo whispered darkly into Mikey's ears as he shifted behind him.

Mikey moaned, going as he was he was told. A churr erupted from him as Leo began to stroke his member. Leo slipped his other hand down, aligning his cock with Mikey's entrance. He then pushed in without preparing or stretching Mikey and began to fuck him slow but hard.

Mikey's hand gripped onto Leo's as Leo pumped him. The older slip his fingers up Mikey;s hand to slip off his bandana- letting the younger's tears flow without obstacle. Mikey let out a moan of pain and pleasure as the raw friction took his body, his leg looped over Leo's arm so it stuck up- his toes curling.

Leo panted into Mikey's ear. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He then rocked harder and a little faster.

The answer caught in Mikey's throat as he whined. He was gonna cum soon. He panted. "L-Leo.. p-please~"

Leo couldn't hold back when Mikey spoke like that. He growled and came, his hot seed filling Mikey. It pushed Mikey over the edge and the younger came too.

Both lay panting for a moment, unwilling to move. Leo pressed himself deeper inside Mikey as he hugged the turtle close. "Spill it."

Mikey remained silent for a moment as he felt the after glow wash over him before he had the strength to open his mouth. "Remember that house we went to yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Well... s-something about it was bothering me." Mikey nuzzles the pillow sadly. "It was like I knew Raph had been there. I couldn't let it go so I went back in the early morning."

-  
_  
Mikey hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should go in or not. He knew Raph would be inside but he was apprehensive about what else would be there... or what he would find out about his brother. It was like he was entering some forbidden area. Thats why he made everyone leave early yesterday but he now thought that might have been a mistake._

Taking a deep breath, Mikey opened the door to the greenhouse. He didn't want to take the front door and this appeared to be the back door. He stepped inside, looking around. This place really was decked out with gardening swag- but there were only pots with soil in them. Mikey walked over to one pot and poked his finger into the soil. He felt a bulb there. His brother really was obsessed with flowers.

It was then a certain flower caught his attention. Mikey walked over to the only blooming flower and lifted it up. He turned the pot over in his hand, frowning. It was purple little flowers. They weren't even red. Well, the center were red. Mikey shrugged. Raph seemed more like a rose guy to him. Maybe this was the flower he dug up in the forest. After all, a collection has to start somewhere.

"MIKEY!"

Mikey spun around, dropping the flower and it smashed on the floor. "Whoa! Dude! You gave me a heart attack." He smiled at Raph. But Raph wasn't looking at him.

Raph was looking at the smashed flower pot on the floor.

Mikey looked at it for a second. "Woops, sorry Raph." Mikey knelt down, picking up one of the crushed bulbs. "I'll buy you some more. What were th-"

Raph's hand gripped Mikey's wrist, his fingers dinner into the younger's flesh. Mikey winced, dropping the flower.

"Hey- Raph-" Mikey then looked up at his older brother and froze.

Raph expression was almost blank. But his eyes weren't. His eyes were filled with so much rage he almost looked mad. But it was a black rage. A rage that filled Mikey with pure fear. He began tugging at his wrist but Raph's finger dug into him more- threatening to snap his wrist in two.

Mikey managed to get free and he stumbled back, slipping a little on the soil and flowers. Raph straightened up, towering over Mikey. Mikey never realised how tall Raph could make himself look- or how horrifyingly sharp his golden eyes were. Mikey kept backing up, his hand scrabbling to get the door handle. Once he pushed on it he sprang out of the door and ran- not looking back.

-

Mikey sobbed into his hands. "It was horrible. That look he gave me..." Mikey shuddered. "I'll never, ever forget it."

"Raph's been irrationally angry before Mikey." Leo tried to comfort his sobbing brother. But he knew something was now serious wrong with their brother.

"You don't understand Leo." Mikey peered at his lover. "It was like Raph was... insane!"

Leo pulled out of Mikey slowly and stood up. "I need to find him. You stay here and rest. I'll take Donnie and we'll find him."

Mikey nodded, snuggling down in the sheets. "Be careful."

Leo nodded as he left the room. The way Mikey was talking about Raph reminded him of how Casey had spoke about Daniel. Could it be that the two had forged some sort of connection that was greatly damaging his brother's psyche?

Leo pressed through the house, stepping into the kitchen. He had to cover his ears as Shadow's screaming filled the room. He walked over to the table where he had left his katanas and slipped them over his shoulders. He turned to Casey. "What's wrong with Shadow?!"

"I don't know!" Casey yelled over the screaming and April tried hopelessly to try to calm the screaming babe. "I've never hear her scream like that! We need to find Raph!"

"I'm just going to go look for him!" Leo shouted back. "Mikey saw him a few hours ago. You stay here and we'll get him!"

"Okay!" Casey shouted and he headed over to Shadow. "Bring that bone head back before Shadow bursts a lung!"

"Will do!" Leo said, heading towards the garage. His ears were ringing still as he hopped into the battle shell.

Donnie didn't look up. He was studying something through the microscope. "What is it Leo?"

"Mikey saw Raph in that house." Leo said, getting closer. "We need to go find him because Mikey said there was somthing wrong with him."

"Not just with him." Donnie said, getting to get his gear.

"What do you mean?" Leo said, jumping out out of the battle shell and Donnie followed him.

"That stain... apart from bleach it had a number of other... fluids." Donnie wrinkled his snout in disgust. "Fluids that suggested that a human corpse had rotted there."

Leo's stomach rolled, but he kept a straight face. "Donnie- how long does a corpse take rot?"

"Above ground he can take as quick as 20 days." He then began to move much quicker. "I think we need to find Raph right now." Donnie began to sprint out of the farmhouse. Leo quickly followed.


	9. Chapter 9

It began to fall apart- to rot. The flower that Raphael been calling home began to gush with clouded fluids, dipping like wet meat. Raph looked around, trying to find something to cling to, but from within the center of the giant flower shot out a hand. It gripped Raphael's in an iron grip.

Raphael tried to pull away but he was dragged closer to the center of the flower. The large petals began to fall away as a human crawled out- dripping wet with puss. He took Raphael by the waist and began to spin- their feet only touching air.

"D-daniel?" Raphael asked in a shaking voice.

"Kill yourself."

Raphael's eyes widened as they began to plummet- yet they still continued to dance. Daniel spun him round and around.

"Kill yourself..."

As Daniel spoke his face began to peel away- fleshy chunks. The dissolving human brought his face closer to Raphael's, his melting lips close to Raphael's. "Kill yourself... for me."

Raph gasped, inhaling sickly sweet flesh. He felt it fill him like a noxious gas. Daniel's boney hands clasped themselves around Raphael's neck.

Just before his hit the ground those boney hands turned into rope.

-

Raphael's eyes shot open. He pushed himself up slowly- he was still clasping what was left of the little flowers Mikey had destroyed. He opened his palm and looked at it. It was definitely dead.

Dead...

Kill yourself...

Raph stood up, swaying a little. He felt numb, cold inside. Daniel's words were echoing inside his empty self. Raph stumbled his way to the bedroom, slipping his hand under the mattress and grasped the rough rope he was looking for. He pulled it out slowly.

Raphael had kept Daniel's noose, and now he knew why.

Sliding off the bed, Raph stood up again. He looped the strong rope around his fingers and clenched his fist. It would be sunrise soon.

Raph turned, picking up the keys to Daniel's house. He wanted to make sure no one could enter this place again. He went to the fridge and took out the last of his food- just a sandwich he made earlier and a beer. He was going to take his time over this. He drew his duffle bag and placed them inside. He then grabbed his trusty sai from the countertop and slipped them into his belt.

Raphael turned off all the lights and electrics. It was Daniel's stuff and no one should ever use it again. He walked out off the main house and into the greenhouse, locking the door. The Saffron Crocus lay abandoned on the floor.

Raphael knelt and scooped the little plant into his bag. He then swept up the dirt and broken pot. He picked up a watering can and gave the growing bulbs the last watering they'd receive.

"Sorry Daniel... I couldn't make it beautiful." He placed the can back down and headed out of the door. He locked it and looked up at the sky. The first telltale signs of sunrise were lighting the sky. Raph turned from the house and began to walk slowly to his favorite clearing.

It took longer than normal to get there but that was because he took each moment to observe everything about the forest. It had rained last night and the plants glistened in the low light. He took deep breaths through his nose, smelling the sweet scent.

Raph smiled as he saw his bike was still in the clearing. He ran his hand along it and smiled. It had been so good to him. He jumped onto it to give him a leg up into his favorite tree. Once in he took out the rope and tied it to a ferm branch.

Satisfied, Raphael took out the sandwich and beer. Opening the beer with his sai, he took a long drink. He ate his last meal quicker than he would have liked and soon found himself facing the rope. Doubt in his action rose but was quickly silenced by Daniel's words- both those in his dream and written in the little dairies.

Taking a deep breath, Raphael slipped the noose around his neck. It felt oddly comfortable- as if it was the right thing to do. He kneeled, pressing his hands to the strong branches. He guided himself down slowly, feeling the rope tightening from the strain.

Finally he let go.

Instantly the rope closed off his airway- crushing it horribly. His hand scrambled to his neck out of reactions and began to choke. His legs kicked on their own as his eyes rolled into the back of his head- foam dripping out of his mouth onto the the grass.

Be despite his body's reaction- Raph's mind felt oddly peaceful. He was taken to another place, memories flooding back to him. Memories that he had long since forgotten and some that came back strongly than he could remember them.

He could remember the moment he held Shadow for the first time. How small and fragile she felt in his strong hands. He had promised he would protect her all his life.

When he had found out April and Casey were millionaires. He had been so happy for them but shocked too.

He had been so happy for them at their wedding. Casey looked so good in a suit even though the bonehead kept trying to faint on him. He didn't realise when he signed up to be best man he was really signed up for catching duty.

The way Leo's eyes shone which such resentment when they were about to fight on that rooftop... and the look of shock just before then when his nightwatcher helmet came out.

The disappointment and sadness when Leo didn't come back.

The feel of old man Merriweather as he died in Raphael's arms- telling him to take the Nightwatcher suit.

How he had so easily been taken over by the Shredder and refuse to shake off that control like his brothers so easily had.

The sheer boredom of being stuck in the future. But he had oddly like that kid...

His harsh, harsh training with the Ninja high council. He had fun with it but the whole time he had been worried about Leo.

How Leo had been when he fell to his anger problems and went off for training- they're constant arguments before he left.

He had been so proud when Mikey had won the Battle Nexus Championship. He had never told Mikey that.

Mrs M and her cat Lucy.

Tylar, that little kid.

When their home was attacked by the mousers... which started their connection to the Shredder.

"Raph! Get off. Master Splinter! Raph's hurting me and we're not training."

"My son, do you normally shower with your mask on?"

"Hey! Raph! Look what I just made!"

"It's not my fault Master Splinter made me leader!"

"I HATE YOU LEO!"

Raph felt regret fill him as his world became much smaller, much darker. His brothers would be better off without him now...

"RAPH!"

He felt the last of him slip into darkness.

-

Leonardo and Donatello found themselves running. They had no idea why but a sense of urgency had overtaken them. Both of their hearts beat faster and faster- making them run. They had to find Raph and they had to find him now!

"Where's the house Donnie?" Leo shouted over to his younger brother. He had never seen the genius run so quickly.

"We have to go through this clearing first." Donnie said, looking out the map as he darted around a tree. "Then we take a right!" he pointed. "It's just ahead of us!"

Leo nodded and focused on moving as fast as he could. Soon they burst into the clearing and Leo found his legs suddenly stopped. Donnie slowed down and looked at him. "Leo..?"

Leo didn't say anything. He could hear something. Something that filled Leo with fear. He shot forwards, his vision focused on a slight movement that had stilled in one of the weeping willow trees in front of them. He drew a katana and hacked down some the thin branches.

"RAPH!" Leo streamed. Before him was the sight of his stilled brother- his face a horrible blue-green colour and eyes rolled back into his head.

Without wasting a moment, Leo cut the rope- catching his brother. Donnie shot over, pulling Raph to the ground as Leo cut away the rope around Raphael's neck.

Donnie began to hit Raph in the plastron. "BREATHE DAMMIT!" He cried out, taking a deep breath, his hands holding Raph's head as he pressed his mouth to Raph's, forcing air into the stilled lungs.

Nothing.

Donnie pulled back, pressing as hard as he could on Raph's chest, setting to a beat. He watched his brother's face, trying to see any sign of life.

Nothing.

Donnie took another deep breath before once again holding his brother's head. He pressed his lips to Raph's and forced more air in.

Leo watched helplessly, standing there with a katana in one hand and the rope in another. He felt numb panic filling him. What would he do without his hot headed brother? His left hand man? Would Mikey ever be able to smile again knowing that they're brother had killed himself? Mikey would blame himself just as Leo was already blaming himself. If only he had been a bit nicer to Raph... maybe not argued so much. Maybe if had been more supportive or did something nice for him now and again- m-maybe he wouldn't be staring as Donnie hopelessly tried to perform CPR.

Maybe if he had tried to be a good brother instead of just a leader!

He covered his mouth as tears began to roll down his face- dropping his katana. Donnie kept screaming at Raph to breathe and nothing was happening.

"BREATHE DAMMIT! RAPHAEL!"

-  
_  
Raphael floated in a warm darkness. There was nothing here and he was cut off from everyone._

Who was everyone?

He shifted, trying to center himself. He had no idea why he was here- all he knew was this strong sense of regret. There was something he had done or said that he wanted to take back. But take back from whom?  
"Raphael?"

Raphael turned, shielding his eyes from a very bright light. He could make out the silhouette of someone... someone he knew well but had never met.

The human pressed his hand to Raphael's shoulder and suddenly the light flooded into him. Raph blinked, looking at the human.

"Raphael... what are you doing here?"

"Master Yoshi?" Raphael said, the haze that was his memories slipped him the name.

The asian man smiled at the young turtle. "Call me Grandfather." he cupped Raphael's cheeks. "Answer me Raphael- what are you doing here?"

"I... I don't know..." Raphael mumbled, closing his eyes- enjoying feeling his Grandfather's warmth.

"It is not your time." Master Yoshi said, wiping a tear from Raph's cheek. "You'll die with great honour and meet me in the great afterlife... not like this. Not in this dishonorable way."

"But Grandfather..." Raphael tried to speak but Yoshi silenced him gently.

"You can learn a lot from the dead." Yoshi whispered. "But you shouldn't let them take away your life." He let go of Raphael and floated away. "Make me proud my Grandson."

"I don't know how!" Raphael said, feeling something pulling him away.

"Just live without regret." Yoshi voice sounded so far away. "And breathe."  


Raphael's eyes flickered open- something warm was in his mouth. He felt his tongue gently graze it and he began to cough, spluttering. His body convulsed with the need for oxygen.

"Raph..." Donnie said, slapping the younger's cheek. "Please... please don't be brain dead... p-please." the brainiac repeated it over and over again like a mantra.

"D-donnie?" Raph mumbled weakly, his eyes trying to focus on the older, now sobbing turtle.

"Raph!" Donnie couldn't stop himself as he hugged his brother tightly, sobbing into his shoulder. "Raph..." he nuzzled against his neck, feeling exudate leaking from the friction burn around Raph's neck smear onto his face but he didn't care. "Raph..."

Leo fell to his knees, letting out a sob. His brother was alive- it was a miracle. He still had his brother.

"S'okay Donnie..." Raph mumbled, weakly hugging his brother. His mind was reeling. He looked down at the turtle and switch inside his head finally turned on. He had a family.

Donnie pulled back and suddenly slapped Raphael hard. "What were you thinking?! What's wrong with you! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO LEAVE ME ALONE LIKE THAT!"

Raph blinked, rubbing his cheek. As his older brother shouted at him he couldn't help but watch his soft... perfect lips move.

"It was completely irresponsible and selfish of you to try something as stupid as suicide!" Leo joined in, walking over to them.

"If you had some sort of problem why didn't you come to us! We're family! We love you!" Donnie said, shaking Raph as fat, angry tears leaked down his face.

Raph looked from Donnie to Leo. Bother were sobbing. If this is what they were like when he was alive then how would then have been if he had-

"I... I..." Raph couldn't take it anymore. A heart wrenching cry came out of him as his own tears flooded his eyes and rolled down his face. He shook uncontrollably and clung to Donnie- all dignity and selfish pride dissolving as he felt the invisible walls that he had built in the last few years come crashing down.

Leo knelt down and hugged the two younger turtles as they all cried together.


	10. Chapter 10

Leo carried Raphael all the way home on his shell. Donnie meanwhile tried to keep Raph awake. He knew he would have to run a few tests before he would allow the younger turtle to sleep. He really needed to give Raph a cat scan but he didn't have an MRI machine. Even if he ordered one it wouldn't come for a while.

"Raph." Donnie said, getting the younger's attention. "I'm gonna do a check on you in the van. Are you okay with this?"

Raphael found himself nodding. He didn't have the energy to argue right now. He was so drained from everything. Raph just wanted to sleep forever. But spending time being fussed over by Donnie did sound a little appealing.

By the time they reached the house though- Raph found himself a little more awake.

Leo gently let Raph down on one of the beds and touched Raph's cheek. "I'm going to go explain to the others what happened so you don't have to."

"Do they need to know?" Raphael mumbled, not looking Leo in the face. The guilt of what he had almost done had started to seep through him like a poison.

"They deserve to know Raph." Leo said, letting go of his brother. "Better if I tell them then they ask you." Leo then slipped out of the van and into the main house.

Raphael nodded- agreeing. He didn't want to watch Mikey... Splinter and Casey and April's faces as he told them he just tried to kill himself. He rolled onto his side and rested his hand infront of him- looking at the stitches he had so crudely performed on himself. A conflict began to build inside him- he wanted Donnie to see them but he wanted it to be kept to himself. Soon he didn't have a choice.

"Did you do that?" Donnie asked softly. His voice was nonjudgmental and doctorly.

Raphael nodded. "Few days ago..."

"May I?" Donnie asked, not yet entering Raphael's personal space.

Raphael sat up and showed Donnie his arm as an answer. Silently, Donnie checked over the stitches. It was obvious they had to be redone. "Anywhere else?"

Raph pointed to his leg and top of his plastron. He couldn't look Donnie in the face right now. He couldn't speak to him. He didn't deserve his older brother's gentle attention and care. He should have died.

"Oh Raphie..." Donnie leaned over, getting him to tilt his head. "This looks infected..." Don reached over, picking up a pair of medical snips and pliers. He always kept a large medical instrument tray in the van just in case he needed to operate on the move. Luckily he had never come to that... yet.

"This is gonna hurt a little." Donnie said, resting his hand on Raph's collarbone to pull at the skin.

Raphael's breath hitched. His heart stopping.

"Told you." Donnie said, taking the reaction as a reaction to the pain. He then began to carefully snip and pull the stitches out.

Raph tried to breathe deeply, but he could feel heat rising in his face as he hissed in pain. He could feel Donnie's breath on his face and it calmed him. He gripped the examination table, his mind wondering to a few hours ago.

To when he had awoken to having Donnie's lips on his.

"All done." Donnie said, dropping the last stitch from Raph's leg onto the tray. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Raphael mumbled, watching Donnie's hands as he worked to get the right wrapping for his wounds. Donnie opened the bottle of disinfectant and gently wiped at Raph's neck.

Raphael bit his tongue- trying not to make a noise. His throat worked to swallow down those sounds. The stinging... Donnie's breath and his overwhelming sense of caring. It was too much for him.

"R-raph?" Donnie whispered. "I... it's okay..."

Raphael gripped desperately onto Donnie's upper arm. He was biting his lip so hard a small trail of blood ran down his chin. He shook hard- threatening to break down again.

Donnie remain standing over him even though he had finished his task. His brother's grip was speaking novels to him but he didn't know what he could do. "Raph... why did you do it?"

Raphael opened his mouth to try to speak but his voice wasn't his. It cracked and broke and a useless whimper came from him. His mouth remained open, ragged breath quickly passing through his drying throat. Saliva stuck to his tongue and the roof of his mouth as his body tried to produce more liquids.

"Why Raph?"

Finally he broke into a sob, covering his face. "I don't know Donnie! I DON'T KNOW! I j-just-!" He spoke but he wasn't saying anything. Just useless, unmeaning words as his searched for the reason his feelings stabbed him like this.

Warm, patient arms wrapped around him- easing him. Raph presses his face to Donnie's shoulder- letting out a soul shattering cry. Donnie's hand caressed his shell and slipped off his headband.

"We all love you Raphie. Why did you doubt that?"

Raph's hands grabbed Donnie's cannipice- clinging onto it like a lifeline. "I-I... i-it... I... gah-" He pressed his face more to Donnie's shoulder, letting out another cry. His drool slipped down Donnie's shoulder. Finally he found the words and they slipped out of him without thought. "I... I f-forgot I h-had a family."

Raph felt Donnie swallow- the genius was trying not to cry. "How could you f-forget about us?"

"I don't know!" Raph cried out, gripping Donnie's shell harder. "It was like I b-became someone else- L-like I had a-another life."

"Shh..." Donnie said, stroking Raphael's head. His mind was streaming with thoughts of what his brother was saying. Could it be that Raph had some sort a mental illness that had gone unchecked. Schizophrenia? Bipolar disorder? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Major Depression?

"Donnie..." Raph mumbled, catching the genius's attention. His sad, golden eyes were looking up into Don's soft brown caring ones.

"Yes...?" Donnie leaned his face closer to Raph's. His younger brother looked so weak and helpless- in need of his care and love. "What is it?"

"I-" Raph mumbled, breathing in Donnie's breath. Those perfect lips were so close to his.


	11. Chapter 11

Leonardo walked slowly through the mansion, taking deep, steadying breaths. Many versions of what he was about to say ran through his head. No matter how much meditation and training he had nothing had given him the tools to calm himself down right now. He could feel his numbing fingers pulsing with his heart beat as he pressed them to the cold metal of the door handle. He could hear them in the livingroom- already hear Shadow's crying. It has subsided but she was still upset.

Leo bit his lip, trying to steal his nerves. He knew as a leader it was his responsibility to help others with their burdens but at the moment he could barely cope with the horrible feelings of anger, sadness, nervousness, foreboding, shame and guilt that raged like hurricane inside him. But most of all it was the images of Mikey's face that kept being created in his mind.

Mikey was the last one to speak to Raph before he had tried to kill himself. He knew his lover would blame himself for what Raph had tried to do. He thanked any force that listened that his brother was still alive. The thought of telling Mikey that Raph was dead was enough to threaten to break his nerves down again.

But his brother wasn't dead. He was alive.

Leo took a deep breath, clinging onto that thought. Raphael was alive. He was broken emotionally and mentally. His body was bruised. But Raph was very much alive. Alive.

Leo gritted his teeth and with all the willpower he could muster he pushed the door open and walked through. As soon as he did, Casey, April and Splinter looked at him. There was a huge moment of silence- Leo gripping onto his upper arm in an attempt to force himself to begin to talk.

"W-where's Mikey?" Leo found himself saying. He was already avoiding the subject.

"Michelangelo is in his room." Splinter said. He pushed himself up with his cane and walked closer to Leo. When his oldest son took a step back his eyes narrowed. "My son- what has happened?"

"Did you find Raph?" Casey said, turning away from his quieting daughter in her bouncing chair. "Where is he?"

Leo opened his mouth but found his voice dying in his throat. No- he had to do this. He had to tell them. While Mikey wasn't here it would be easier and he could tell Mikey later by himself. Where he could then comfort Mikey the only way a lover could.

Leo let go of his arm and pressed his fingers together lightly. They were watching him and he found his couldn't look any of them in the eyes. "R-raph... he-." Leo swallowed nervously. He needed to tell them everything. "D-donnie and I found Raph... a-and he..." Leo gritted his teeth, bringing his hands up to his face.

No- he had to be strong. Raph was still alive. Leo took a deep breath through his nose and ran his hands across his head before moving them back down to his sides. They were waiting for him to speak again. It would be better if he said it now and not dragged it out.

"Raph had t-tried to to h... hang himself." Leo shut his eyes, his voice growing louder. "We got there just as he s-started to die. H-." A whimper escaped his lips as the memories flooded back. He cursed his weakness and pressed on. "His face was b...b-blue when we cut him down. Don did CPR b-but..."

Leo glanced at their faces and wished hadn't. They were tensed, their eyes fixed on him. Those eyes had a look of pure horror and sadness and the need to hear what Leo had next to say. He needed to say-

"He's alive." Leo said suddenly.

Splinter stumbled backwards, sitting in his favorite armchair. He covered his face, taking a shaking breath- his age showing through. April's hands flew to cover her mouth as fat tears and loud sobs of relief escaped her. Casey pulled her into his arms and they sank to their knees.

But it was a small whimper that caught Leo's attention.

The oldest turtle turned to look at the youngest. Mikey stood there, his eyes staring wide in horror at his lover.

"He... t-tried to k-kill himself?" Mikey voice was small like a scared mouse.

"Mikey..." Leo said, taking a step closer to his younger brother. Dammit- he wished to have told Mikey alone.

Mikey took a step backwards from Leo. "W-where is he now?"

"In the Battle Shell being patched up by Don. Mikey-"

But Mikey didn't let him finish. He rushed forwards and darted past Leo before the older had a chance to react. Leo spun on his heels and ran after the younger turtle.

-

Mikey had to see Raph- he had to right now. He knew it was his fault that Raph tried to suicide and he needed to apologize before it was too late. Leo was following behind him telling him to stop running but he ignored his lover. Seeing his brother was too important right now.

Mikey burst into the garage and looked around from the Battle Shell. He spotted it and ran over, yanking open the back doors.

Donnie's and Raph's heads jerked up to look at Mikey. Mikey's shoulders sagged at he looked at Raph. His oh-so strong brother was weeping like he had never seen. He was a horrible colour and there were bandages wrapped all over him. Most of all there was one around his neck.

Mikey bit his lip for a second as tears filled his eyes and flowed forwards. He let out a cry and dashed inside the van, dropping to his knees in front of him. Donnie had moved to the side which allowed Mikey to hug his brother's waist tightly. Mikey just sobbed into his brother's lap.

"Mikey..." Raph mumbled quietly.

"I'm sorry!" Mikey blurted out. "I'M SO SORRY!" A pathetic sob interrupted him. "I didn't mean to break your stuff! I didn't mean to!" He gave another cry. "Don't die Raph! DON'T DIE!"

Raph's hand rested on Mikey's shoulder, making the youngest look up. "Mikey..." Raph's voice was hoarse and quiet. "I'm not going to die."

Mikey started at those golden eyes for a moment longer. They were telling the truth.

Mikey let out another sob, gripping onto his brother's shell and nuzzling against his brother's plastron. "I'm s-sorry..."

"It's not your fault Mikey." Raph said, stroking the top of his brother's head. "It was mine."


	12. Chapter 12

Raphael stepped into the living room area- his brother following behind him. He was met by silence- well, almost silence. Shadow was still crying. Without a word he walked over to her and picked her up. She soon quieted down and gripped onto the bandages around his neck.

"S'okay Shadow... I'm keeping my promise." He mumbled so only the baby could hear. "I'll be here to protect you."

Silence stretch out for longer. Everyone wanted to say something but no one knew what. Raph knew it would be like this- they were too afraid of upsetting him to even talk to him. It was finally Casey who broke it though.

Casey stood up and towered over Raph, looking him dead in the eyes. "I outta smack ya."

Raph tiredly smiled. "Donnie already beat ya to it."

"I thought it would." Casey rested his hand on Raphael's shoulder. "And I bet he's already said that you should 'ave come to us."

Raph nodded. "But I didn't"

"But you didn't" Casey said, squeezing Raph's shoulder slightly. "And I ain't surprised." Casey took a deep breath. "We're your family and ya can't talk to us 'cause you don't wanna hurt us." Casey smiled sadly. "I was like that when my Pop died."

Raph's shoulder relaxed a little. "What... did you do then?"

"Went and saw a counselor at school." Casey said. He reached his other hand up and stroked Shadow's short black hair. "Ya need help and I don't think we can give ya it."

Raphael nodded his head a little. "It's not like I can book an appointment at my local Doc's"

"No." Casey smiled a little. "But I'm sure we could work something out."

April stepped a little closer. "I'm sure we could find someone who is willing to stay quiet for the right price."

"I'm not sure if I wanna risk it." Raph said, stroking Shadow's back as she whimpered slightly. "I wouldn't be able to speak about my feelings if I felt my family could suffer for it."

"That's the problem with you Raph." Donnie said, stepping over. "You're never selfish!"

"He's right." Mikey said, joining in. "Whenever you do something you think is selfish you're still doing it for other people."

"You're like me-" Leo said, smiling sadly. "You always bare the worlds-"

"-orld's problems on my shoulders." Raphael mumbled along with Leo. He turned to Master Splinter- who was standing on his own looking at Raph.

"It is an admirable quality when you are..." Splinter's shoulder sagged a little. "A protector of others." he took a deep breath. "You are strong, passionate and loyal to a fault."

Casey took Shadow from Raphael at the turtle stepped closer to Splinter. He stood for a moment before kneeling before his father. He bowed his head from the tears in his father's eyes. Splinter rested his hands gently on Raphael's cheeks and pressed his forehead to the top of his second youngest son's head.

-__

Raphael stopped through the lair, smacking the wall next to him as he stepped into the dojo. He was so stupid. So, so stupid. How could he let his rage get ahold of him so much that he left his brother get capture?!

Raphael grabbed the rack of bo staffs and slammed it to the ground.

"Raphael!" Splinter snapped, turning around. "What is the matter?!"

Raphael began to confess- his words rushing over themselves to explain. "I- I was out- I was out and I did- I did something. Something happened and- and then I- I- I-" Rage suddenly built in him at the memory and he grabbed the weight stand, tossing it to the ground.

The weight rolled down as Raph panted heavily with anger. One weight crossed the room and stopped by Master Splinter's feet with a soft sound.

"Raphael." Master Splinter said in his commanding voice. "Kneel."  
Catching his breath, Raph walked across the room and felt, taking glances at his father. "I did something... I did something really stupid Master Splinter." He bowed his head.

"Go on."

Raphael looked up, but not looked at his father. "I know why you chose him now." he frowned, looking back down at the worn floor of matts. "I know there's a reason why he's the better son- and I'm not." He closed his eyes and bowed his head again.

"Raphael." Master Splinter said firmly. "You always bare the world's problems on your shoulders. It is an admirable quality when you are a protector of others." He stepped forwards, leaning down to his son's kneeling height. "But you must realise while at time you might not be my favorite student. It does not mean you are my least favorite son."

Raphael's eye widened. As his father continue to talk Raph risked a glance at him.

"You are strong, passionate and loyal to a fault." Splinter smiled gently. "These are the merits of a great leader as well." The rat closed his eyes and his expression turned to a frown. "But only when tempered with compassion and humility."

"B-but Master Splinter-" Raph looked down. "I messed up big tonight. I mean- big." he reached around himself- pulling out the worn hilts of his brother's broken swords. The swords that he himself at broken and left his brother defenseless. He laid them on the ground with care. "They took him."

Raph watched as Splinter's expression turned to one of sadness.

"Leonardo..."

"Y-y-y-yeah." Raph shuddered out, swallowing the lump of sadness forming in his throat.

Splinter took deep breaths, closing his eyes. He remained quiet for a moment before speaking. "Then the time for hiding is over." The rat opened his eye- determination filling them. "We must return to the surface to take back what is ours."

Raph raised his head, looking at his father with hopefulness. He could save his brother and make everything right again. He could feel the same determination filling him. "By your wish- father."  


"By your wish- father." Raph quietly mumbled. The memories of his and his father's talk coming back. That night when Leo had been taken he had so many emotions running through his. Rage, loss, hope and love. Feeling that pumped his blood and made him feel alive. His confession to knowing his brother was better than him had really changed something for him. It had been the start of acceptance and moving on with his older brother from their teenage fueled arguments.

He would never admit it to Leo in person though.

Raph found a grin spreading across his face. Laughter escaped him. Yeah, Fearless would never hear it from him. He could just imagine the gloating that his older brother would do. He had gotten so bad since he started spending more time with Mikey.

Oh Mikey- his little brother. The goof ball should never be sad and he was such a huge source of inspiration for him. Sure, he was as annoying as shell but he could always stay happy in almost every situation. Raph would be lost without him.

Raph would also be lost without Donnie. That genius always kept him running as well as the rest of the family. Without him they would have all fallen apart. He would have fallen apart... and he did. He did just because he spent time away from them.

Raph needed his family more than he ever realised.

They really were his life.

Raphael cracked open his eyes and looked at his Father. He was still laughing and he found Master Splinter smiling back at him. And to think- he nearly missed that smile with his death.

"Master Splinter..."

"Yes my Son?" Splinter said, kneeling while still holding his son's head in his hands. He ran his thumb under those golden eyes to wipe away tears.

"I met Master Yoshi." Raph couldn't stop smiling now. "He told me to call him Grandfather."

Master Splinter was slightly taken aback. But his shocked expression turned to one of happiness. "How is my Master?"

"He says we'll see him in the honorable afterlife." Raphael said, closing his eyes to remember the warm feeling he had gotten from the human. It was the same warm feeling he got from Master Splinter and all the members of his family. "We make him proud and he accepts us."

Splinter's hands began to shake against Raph's cheek as his own tear began to slip down his face. Raphael reached up, returning his father's touches and wiping the tears from the rat's fur.

Splinter suddenly embraced Raph. "Thank you for telling me my Son." He sniffed, nuzzling his son's shoulder in a fatherly way. "You have no idea what it mean to me."

Raph wrapped his arms around his father. "Without him coming to my side I wouldn't have been able to find my way back." He nuzzled against his father and closed his eyes.

"Group hug!" Casey's voice suddenly came, breaking the silence. He handed his wife his child and grabbed the turtles- pulling them all down and squeezing them around Raph and Splinter. None of them minded.


	13. Chapter 13

Raphael's hands brushed against the sand to get a good grip on something to pull himself up with. Slowly his fingers wrapped themselves smoothed wood. With a great effort he heaved- sending himself stumbling forwards. Sand turned into dirt and he caught his footing.

Blinking, Raphael looking up. He had left the desert behind and now he was standing at the edge of a dead forest- each tree having passed on a long time ago. He touched the rough bleached bark of the nearest tree. The branches moved, twining with themselves to creative a perfect noose.

As the turtle stumbled back- more nooses formed. He took a steadying breath and forced himself forwards. If he could only get to the other side maybe...

-

Raph jolted up, panting. The nightmare still continued. If he had died he wouldn't have to keep reliving those nightmares and have to keep on that long journey.

He rubbed his face with his hands, taking in deep breathes. But then if he had died he wouldn't be in the middle of a huge turtle-bundle. His brother had dragged out mattresses into the living room and created a large nest like thing with the bedding. It was a grown up version of what they used to do when they were all tots.

He was sandwiched between Mikey and Donnie. Leo was behind Mikey but he was close enough to share blankets with Raph. Master Splinter was in his room and Casey and April had Shadow in theirs. They felt that Raph needed time with his brothers and not to crowded by everyone.

Raphael was very grateful as it made it feel like he could breath. He rubbed his neck as he sat up more. Breathing had felt weird... almost unnatural since he had tried to hang himself. Raph found that he would hold his breath from time to time.

The way the rope felt around his neck had been so comfortable  
Raphael suddenly gripped his neck, atempting to cut off his air supply. His neck stung from the bandages being forced into the rope burns. It felt oddly soothing.

Gentle hands took Raph's- pulling them slowly away from his neck. Raph turned to the side to find Leo sitting there watching him with an odd expression. They sat in silence for a moment- Leo's hands still holding Raph's away from his neck.

Leo shook his head slightly.

Raph let his hands uncurl and grow loose in Leo's grip. The older turtle watched him for longer moments. Raph glanced Leo's eyes and then looked away- a burning feeling building inside. He stood, but Leo's hands still held onto his.

Raph chanced another look into Leo's eyes. His older brother looked at him with determination in those deep, dark, almost black eyes.

Leo stood too, his stare keeping Raph's eyes fixed on his. Wordlessly he pulled Raph towards him as he himself stepped away from the turtle nest bed. Raph carefully stepped over Mikey to join him as he silently requested.

The two brothers headed outside and up- taking the outside stairs to the roof. Leo let go of Raph's hand and sat down on the tiles. Raph turned from Leo and continued to stand- staring out at the forest. He could almost see both the clearing he had nearly met his end in and Daniel's house. They were little spots on his view.

The sky was filled with stars. All bright but none of them as bright as the crescent moon. It bathed him in moonlight like it had done when he had found his favorite flower and then the corpse of Daniel.

Such a view... if he just took a step forwards...

"I understand a little"

Raphael turned his head and stared at the turtle who had spoken. "Huh?"

"I understand a little why you might not wanted to have come back." Leo turned his head from the view to look at Raph. But when his little brother continued to remain silent he spoke again. "I remember how I felt when I was nearly killed by the Shredder and we came here for the first time."

"And how'd ya feel?" Raph mumbled loud enough for Leo to hear him.

"Guilty and ashamed." Leo said honestly. He frowned as he turned back to look at the view. "I was in this darkness and I couldn't fully remember what had happened. All I knew was I had let people down and I didn't want to see their hurt expressions." He shifted. "But then this light came to me and suddenly I could hear you all again. I could hear you as you told me your stories. Those times when we had stuck together as tots." He grinned a little, closing his eyes. "Alligator pressure points."

Raph found a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Allegeter pressure points." he then shifted, sitting down closer to Leo. He let one foot dangle off the edge of the roof and kept the other one close to him. If he let both hang over the roof it would be too tempting to push himself off.

"I wish I had remembered how warm it was to be with you guys while I was training in South America." Leo's expression turned sad. "I was so wrapped up in trying to make myself better for you guys that I completely forgot that I'm no use if I'm not there."

Leo turned to look at Raph. Raph stared at him for a moment before turning away. "Fell apart without ya." Raph mumbled quietly. "Splinter never came out. Mikey was always working or sleeping and Don was the same. I thought about getting a job but I don't have skills that can be covered up." Raph tilted his head. "And David gave me the Nightwatcher Suit and all the other stuff. Took me awhile to use it regularly."

"What made you become the Nightwatcher more?" Leo asked, genuinely curious.

"Mikey."

"Mikey?" Leo blinked. "In what way?"

Raph took a deep breath through his nose, trying to make the air feel more welcome in his being. "It was a few month after ya left-"

-

_A huge, huffed out sigh sounded from next to him. Raph turned from the screen to look at the only turtle who was younger than him. Mikey was sitting up-side down on the sofa with a plate resting on his plastron. A few moments ago that plate had had a cake on it._

Raph ignored him, trying to hear the news story. A woman had been murdered down an alleyway and the way the Cops had found her suggested-

Another heavy sigh came from Raph's right.

"Spit it out." The older turtle finally said. The ignoring tactic wasn't gonna work right now.

"I miss Leo."

Raph frowned and turned back to the TV. "You didn't have to tell me that. You make it pretty obvious."

Another sigh came from Mikey

Raph's grip on the remote tightened. "Mikey..." He growled in warning.

"I really, really miss Leo." Mikey caught Raph's eyes. "If Leo was here we would stop things like this from happening." Mikey's grip on his fork threatened to snap it. "It's not fair innocent people get hurt and with Leo here we could go on patrols. Master Splinter won't let us without Leo."

"We're not superheroes." Raph said, turning to look at the horrid scene on the TV screen. "We're not responsible for humans. They will continue to hurt and kill each other and nothing we do can make a damned difference."

The moment of silence that followed that comment was broken by the sound of the icing covered plate connected with Raph's head. It bounced off his skull and smashed behind the sofa.

Mikey stood up, baring down at Raph. "How could you say that?!" He threw his arm out to the side. "We defeated the Shredder. We stopped and won wars. We've saved the earth so many times and you're saying that doesn't matter?!"

Raph stared at his younger brother's rage is disbelief. "Mikey... I didn't-" he then growled, standing up too. "Oh yeah?! How come we still have to live in the sewers like cockroaches?!"

"Because true heros don't have to be thanked!" Mikey turned, walking away. "This is why I want Leo back! He makes us true heroes!" He turned to look at Raph, fists clenched. "You're just a thug who beats people up who he doesn't like because he can't control his temper! YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS HUN!"

Mikey then ran, leaving Raph standing in horror in the livingroom. 

-

"Mikey really said that?" Leo asked once Raph's story was done.

"From what my oxygen deprived brain remembers Mikey had had a rough day at work then." Raph said, rubbing the back of his head. "And then he was always on edge when he got back from his job." He lowered his hand and looked at Leo. "I think it was because whenever he got back he was reminded that ya were still gone."

Leo looked at his hands for a moment. "And that inspired you to become the Nightwatcher?"

"Pretty much." Raph spoke quietly.

Mutual silence continued between then as the sky showed signs of lighting- but not for an hour or so. It was Leo who once again broke that silence with a question.

"Who is Daniel Floyd?"

Raph's eyes widened and he looked at Leo, who was looking back at him. Raph turned his head away, eyes unseeing. He swallowed before speaking. "He... was a gardener. I..." Raph's hands suddenly flew to his neck, tightening around airway.

Leo dashed forwards, yanking those hands away. He pinned his brother's limbs, thumbs resting on pressure point. One move and Raph wouldn't be able to use his arms for an hour. It disturbed Leo to feel how weak Raph felt under him. "What did he do to you?!"

Raph shook his head, turning away from Leo's face that was inches from his own. He took a deep breath through his nose after realising he was holding his breath. He opened his mouth to speak but the sound choked inside his throat- making a gagging sound.

"Take your time Raph." Leo said soothingly. "But know that I won't let you go until you tell me."

Raph's breathing filled his ears as he tried best to think of how to tell Leo. He closed his eyes and took an extra deep breath. "Have you ever seen a rotten corpse?"

"Yes. In the jungle."

"Of a human?"

Leo frowned. "No." He realised one of Raph's hands in favor of stroking his cheek to encourage him to keep talking.

It seemed to work at Raph continued to talk. "I f-found Daniel's house w-with Daniel inside." He swallowed, tears forming at the edge of his eyes. "He had... h-had hung himself..." Raph screwed his eyes shut- squeezing the tears out. "He had died all alone and I was the one to find him. I buried him in the same place I tried to hang myself." He took a shuddering breath. "I found his diaries and they were... addressed to the archangel Raphael. I-... i-i-it was like he was talking to me directly. B-before I knew it I t-thought... I mean... it was like I WAS him."

Leo turned Raph's head slowly. He moved down and pressed his forehead to Raph's. "But you're not him."

Raph's hands- now free- moved to Leo's shoulders- gripping them. He tried to push against his older brother but found it impossible as his emotions made him weaker and weaker. He gulped down air, digging his fingers into those grass green shoulders. He let out a whimper, rocking his body slightly in a effort to get free.

"Raph." Leo said in a voice that made his brother stop. "You are not Daniel Floyd. You aren't a gardener and never had your face disfigured. You are not a lonely human. You are my brother. We were mutated hatchlings together and have been together ever since. You have a family that loves you. You are a hero to all of us."

"I ain't no hero!" Raph shouted. "And you wouldn't miss me! I don't belong in our family! You're the Leader- Donnie keeps everything running and Mikey's the sunlight for us!" He let out a sob, pushing Leo's face away. "I don't do anything useful! I just create drama and I can't even spend time with people because of my anger! You guys would be better off without me!"

The sound of Leo slapping Raph's face seemed to echo.

Leo leaned back, still pinning Raphael's legs. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT AGAIN! EVER!"

Raph stared at the raw emotion in his oldest brother's face. His normally emotionless mask cracking. "Leo...?"

"You didn't see what it was like to find you in that tree! You didn't hear Donnie screaming for you to breath!" Leo shook, gripping Raph's upper arms harshly. "You are so FUCKING SELFISH! OF COURSE WE NEED YOU! WE'RE FAMILY!"

Raph's eye widened. Leo... Leo's true feelings were crashing over Raph like a tidal wave. He leaned up, coming level with Leo. "I... I guess you're not Fearless after all."

Leo drew closer to Raph, they're plastrons touching. "It's my family that make me Fearless." He pressed his forehead against Raph's. "That includes you. You make me fearless."


	14. Chapter 14

Mikey woke up slowly. He groped around for something and his groggy mind told him he should have been holding something. He pushed himself up slowly, rubbing his eye with his spare hand as he looked around.

His memory woke up and he realised what was missing. Mikey got up, looking for his older brothers of blue and red. "Raph? Leo?"

"Over here Mikey." Came a gentle whisper.

Mikey looked up to see Leo sitting on the sofa. Raph was fast asleep in Leo's lap- almost completely blocking the oldest from view. It made Mikey relax to see Raph taken care of like this. He crawled onto the sofa and knelt next to Leo, facing him.

"What happened?" Mikey whispered, not wishing to wake Raph.

"Well..." Leo said. Mikey could tell he was working out what to say.

"The truth please Leo." Mikey leaned closer. "Please."

Leo left out a little sigh of defeat. "He must of thought I was asleep. I was watching him have a nightmare- he was talking about it in his sleep. Then when he woke up he tried to choak himself." Leo internally winces as Mikey let out a whimper. "So I stopped him and took him out on the roof- because I know he likes the view- and we talked. And I found out part of what is wrong."

"Go on." Mikey said, watching his brothers face carefully.

"There's a few reasons." Leo looked at the sleeping Raph in his arms. "One is that he feels like he doesn't really belong in the family and we'd be better off without him-"

"What?!" Mikey said, his volume raising. "How could he-"

"Shhh..." Leo shushed Mikey gently, indicating to the sleeping turtle. He rested his spare hand on his lover's. "He also got... carried away with learning about that Daniel guy we found the house of. Raph had found his corpse as the man had hung himself. I think it was a shock to Raph system and with Raph already having issues with his nightmares it was too much for him." He looked sadly at Raph. "Raph said that the guy had diaries and they were addressed to someone with the same name as him. I think it made Raph feel like he was responsible for the guy."

Mikey nodded. "Do you think Raph's nightmares will stop?"

"Not until he gets better." Leo said. He looked at Mikey. "Donnie needs to check to see if he has some sort of... mental illness.."

Mikey's eyes widened, sharing a little. "M-mental illness?"

"Mikey..." Leo drew closer to him. "Every part of the body can get sick. That includes the mind."

Mikey gripped onto Leo's shoulders- images of Raph as Bishop... o-or Stockman or even the Shredder filled his head. He hung his head, trying to get the images out but they wouldn't go away. It was only when Leo's lips touched his did he finally relax.

Greeting Leo's tongue with his own, Mikey moaned shamelessly. His heart fluttered as the older took charge of his mouth. Leo always tasted fantastic. It both excited him and calmed him. He pulled back after a moment- saliva trailing from their lips.

-

Raphael's mind was a foggy mess. He had been so drained from his emotional outburst with Leo on the roof that he had fallen asleep right then and there. But he wasn't on the roof anymore. He could feel warm legs under him and he was being moved up and down with someone's breathing.

"-he has some sort of... mental illness.."

"M-mental illness?"

Raph's eyelids fluttered at the talking. He had felt Leo's voice as it rumbled through his chest. He could hear Mikey's whimpering... moaning?

He let his head be moved slightly on Leo's shoulder and opened his eyes just a crack. He tried to focus on the sight next to him but his eyes wouldn't focus. He could have sworn he saw Mikey and Leo...

Raph shifted a little, automatically snuggling to find the warmer spots on Leo. He needed to sleep for a little longer...

-

Raphael kept walking- the nooses constantly forming as he walked. He was getting used to the sight but he wished they would stop. He took a deep breath, looking around trying to see where to go.

As he looked behind him he noticed a light that moved and danced. It didn't take long before he realised the forest was burning.

-

Donnie sat on the end of the sofa. Leo had slipped out from under Raph when the turtle started to talk in his sleep. It was a sign he was having a nightmare.

"B-burning..." He mumbled in his sleep- his hands loosely fisting the sofa cushion. "D-dead... b-...b-burning."

"Oh Raph..." Donnie stroked the younger's face gently. It seemed to calm him down a little. Donnie just had to make sure that he wasn't touching him when he woke up. Raph wasn't one for physically contact and he had had an overdose in it over the last day. Donnie had wished he had been able to touch his brother more though...

Raph jolted upright, gasping. He was in a cold sweat and Donnie was there to hand him a wash cloth. The injured turtle mumbled thanks and took it, wiping himself down.

Donnie smiled slightly. It was a fake smile but he had to wear one since he didn't want to cry more. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Break...fast?" Raph looked confused as if he hadn't heard the word before.

"You haven't eaten since you got back. You need food." Donnie got up from the sofa, looking towards the kitchen. "You haven't really been eating much at all. A nutritional imbalance will not help your current condition."

Raph grunted in reply.

"Don't give me that." Donnie sighed, taking the cloth from Raph. "Leo and Mikey are in the kitchen right now so it won't take long. What do you feel like having."

"Nothing..."

"Toast, eggs and bacon it is." Donnie shooed him off the sofa- herding him into the kitchen. He sat opposite to Raph as Leo and Mikey cooked. Well, Mikey cooked and Leo stood there. Leo was forbidden from cooking on a mass scale. Small stuff he could handle but the more complicated or the more of it there was the more likely it was to become charcoal.

Donnie stood after a moment and walked over to the coffee machine. He stood and watched Raph's reflection the machine's metal surface. He noticed that as the smell of coffee filled the room Raph relaxed.

Don poured himself a cup and sat down back at the table. "Is there anything you want to do today Raph?"

Raph looked up from the plate of food that had been placed in front of him. "Huh?"

"Is there anything you want to do today?" Donnie said simply again, picking up his fork. "We could go for a walk. Or work on the shell cycle some more- although there's not much left to do."

"Maybe some meditation or training." Leo joined in, sitting on Raph's right.

Mikey sat on Raph's left. "Or watch a movie or play a video game."  
Raph looked down at his plate. His brothers wanted to spend time with him- and wanted him to choose what they did. He didn't think they had ever really asked him that. When it came to family activities he normally just went along with his brothers. He was normally just happy to be included.

"Umm..." Raph mumbled, trying to make a decision. He could feel his brothers eyes on him and he didn't want to say anything wrong. "I... h-havent tried out the pool yet."

"We'd have to change your bandages to waterproof ones." Donnie said, smiling a little. "But its doable."

"I don't wanna be trouble." Raph said, gesturing a little frantically.

"Nonsense!" Leo said, clamping his hand down on Raph's shoulder. "Donnie doesn't mind- do you Don?"

"Not at all." Donnie said, taking another sip of coffee. "I need to have a look at the soars anyway."

"And dude-" Mikey shoveled his breakfast into his mouth as if it would run away if he left it for long enough. "The pool is AWESOME! It's not fair that you haven't checked it out yet."

"A-alright." Raph said, attempting a small smile. It almost felt as if everything were normal. It made him relax greatly.

"Okay, we'll finish eating- Don can change the bandages and then we'll watch a little TV before swimming. We don't want any cramping." Leo said, waving his empty fork a little.

"Yes Mom." Mikey said in a very teenage tone. He then burst out laughing at the look on Leo's face. Donnie found himself joining in and Leo did after a moment.

Raph smiled a little more.

The rest of the meal was spent in idle chatter. The conversion was left open so Raph didn't feel pressured to join in. He found himself doing so every now and again. His brothers didn't make a fuss out of it and it felt natural. He could feel his confidence growing.

When the meal was finished Mikey took Raph's hand. "C'mon! My cartoon's gonna start!"

"O-okay Mikey." He hopped until he got his footing while being dragged by Mikey. "Geez."

Mikey flopped down onto the mattress covered floor and flicked on the large TV. Bright colours filled the LED screen. The theme tune started up and Mikey was singing along badly. But then it wasn't the kind of theme song that was meant to be sung well.

Leo came and sat next to Raph on the sofa. "How are you feeling now?"

Raph gave an honest shrug. He had been thinking about last night a lot and he didn't know what to say to the older turtle. He had never seen Leo like that before in his life. Even as a tot Leo was reserved with his feeling. Raph meanwhile had always been one to show his... well... emotions like anger. Other ones he had kept deep inside him.

Maybe that was the problem.

Leo's hand gently touched his brothers, giving it a little squeeze. "I still meant what I said yesterday."

Raph looked him in the eyes for a moment. He gave a very soft squeeze back before removing his hand and staring at the screen. His eyes darted between the TV and the turtle that was watching it. Mikey was 22 now- nearly 23 like him. Yet the youngest turned into a 5 year old when he watched cartoons. If the characters talked to him he would talk back. He would talk to them even if they didn't.

"Oh Squidward! You'll never get to play in peace!" Mikey giggled. "You should know that by now."

Raph rested back, letting his eyelids droop as he allowed the coloured cartoon to filled his vision. He wished life could be as simple as one of Mikey's cartoons.

"Raph?"

Raph blinked and looked up. Donnie was standing there with a medical kit. Raph shifted, moving to allow Donnie to work. Donnie sat on the other side of Raph to Leo and slowly began to unwrap each bandage. The newly healed flesh pulled away as it had attached itself to the wrappings. Raph hissed a little as Donnie worked on removing the one around his neck.

Raphael knew his brothers were watching him- getting a good look at his cuts and friction burns. But as Donnie cleaned Raph's neck more he found his breath labouring slightly- heating rising in his face. He closed his eyes and bit his lip. Why did it feel so good to have Don's hands on his neck?

"I had to order this latex mesh. It will stop the skin healing to the bandages." Donnie said, measuring the latex mesh before cutting it. He then wrapped normal bandages around his injuries before wrapping something that felt a lot more plastic.

"Is that okay? Not too tight?" Donnie asked, moving back a little.

Raph tilted his head, rotating it. "S'fine." he mumbled. It wasn't really- it was annoyingly loose. If it was up to him he would have it much, much tighter.

Half an hour later they headed outside. Raph took deep breaths. The outside air was sweet and fresh. It was moist too for Autumn air. He walked over to the pool, sitting on the edge with his feet resting on one of the metal ladders.

"CANNON BALL!" Mikey cried out as he dashed over, jumping and ducking his legs under him and he splashed into the warm water. That splash soaked Raph.

"Mikey..." Raph growled in warning.

Mikey tried to look sorry but he couldn't help but smile. Raph just sounded like Raph. He grabbed the red-branded turtle by the hand and yanked him into the water. Raph was able to take a lungful of air before he was submerged.

He and Mikey began to struggle- an underwater boyish battle taking place. It was useless as with the water surrounding them none of their punches had any force behind them. It was perfect.

Mikey breaked for the surface after a long fight. Their turtle lungs allowed them to hold their breaths for a very long time. Over half an hour last time they held a contest.

Raph watched his younger brother go to the surface. He laid back in the water and allowed himself to sink to the very bottom. The sunlight streamed through the deep, deep pool and it felt so warm. He closed his eyes- seeing a dark red behind his eyelids due to the sun.

He felt like he was in that afterlife again.

Raph let his limbs float as air escaped his lungs. He opened his eyes to watch those silvery balls float to the surface. A moment later the water was filled with bubbles as someone broke the surface. They swam down to meet Raph. It was Donnie.

Donnie made the diver signal to ask if Raph was okay. Each one of them had learned those hand gestures when they moved closer to the docs. This was so they could still communicate without letting out precious air.

Raph did a thumbs up- the sign to show that he was just grand. Donnie smiled a little and turned, coming to rest next to Raph. They both watched the water surface together. However, Raph found his eyes darting glances at Donnie.

He looked amazing under the water,

Raph looked at Donnie again and found that his older, smarter brother's eyes locked his. Raph always liked those deep, soulful brown eyes and he couldn't look away. Donnie's hand brushed against his- his fingers tracing his palm. Raph curled his own fingers till he held Donnie's skillful hand.

Raph could have stayed like this forever.


	15. Chapter 15

Leonardo watched his family as they went about their evening activities. Today had been a good day and not once has Leo seen Raph try to choke himself. It hadn't taken him long to work out that Raph did that as a result to anxiety or whenever he thought about what had happened. The problem was his brain seemed to have tricked him into thinking it was a good thing to do.

Rubbing his eyes, Leo let out a deep sigh. Donnie was better at this kinda thing than him but Donnie was being rather quiet about it. He seemed to think that just being near Raph was the best thing he could do for him. Leo did agree but he knew he could do more for the turtle. If they kept things going as if nothing had happened then Raph wouldn't change and that risked a relapse.

Tea- he needed tea.

Leo silently walked into the kitchen to find someone else already there. "Hello Casey."

"Hi Leo." Casey said, pouring out tea into one of Master Splinter's sets. "Did you wanna cup?"

"Yes, actually." Leo smiled tiredly and Casey took out another japanese mug and filled it with green tea.

"Just enough." Casey left Leo's cup on the side as he picked up the tray. "Taking these to Splinter and April. Be back in a sec."

"Okay Casey." Leo said, taking his mug and sitting at the middle counter on one of the tall bar stools.

True to his word. Casey came back into the kitchen. He took out a mug and poured boiling water into the mug and added instant coffee. They had a state of the art coffeemaker but for some reason the human prefered the instant stuff. Guess he was just used to it.

Casey sat next to Leo- but leaving a chair between them to give them the elbow room- and dumped a load of sugar into the coffee. "So- how's Raph been today?"

"Bit better. We had a... discussion last night." Leo said, trying to find the right words to explain his whole emotional breakdown.

Casey nodded- seemingly understanding just through the tone. "It'll take a while."

"Where's Shadow?" Leo asked, looking around. He only just noticed the baby wasn't present.

"With her godfather." Casey smiled a little. "Shadow's able to ease somthin' in Raph that no one else can." He took a swig of coffee as if it was beer.

"Does he know he's the godfather yet?" Leo asked. Shadow was only a few months old now. She still hadn't been christened- if they were gonna do it at all.

"He does now." Casey smiled. "Big softie got all choked up." He leaned back a little. "Me and April were thinking about having her... how to put this... ninja-christened."

"I beg your pardon?" Leo said, staring at the human.

"Well, its like our wedding. All of our friends are freaks so its not like we can take her to a church and get her christened with her family." Casey took a deep breath. "So Splinter suggested we do something less traditional and give her a seal of protection or something. We've asked him to do it."

Leo smiled a little. "I've got a feeling she'll need a protection charm with all the weird and wacky stuff that happens to us."

Casey gave a little chuckle. "Exactly my point!"

Leo smiled a little more- then it trailed off. He was alone with Casey to talk to him about anything. He hadn't had that chance since he realised Casey really did know Raph better than anyone else. He would have asked Casey a certain question but April had cut in before him to ask Casey about that Daniel guy. Now was his chance to ask.

Leo looked around. No one was here. He took a deep breath and turned to the human male. "Casey... can I ask you a question about Raph?"

"Sure." Casey said, looking a little taken aback. "Wha' is it Leo?"

"You've spent a lot of time with Raph now..." Leo was trying to think of how to ask this sensitive question. "And... although I don't know how your evenings together normally work but have you guys... ever... talked about...sex? Like... orientation?"

To Leo's surprise a grin spread across Casey's face.

"So you finally ask!" Casey chuckled, placing down his coffee mug. "Took yah long enough."

"P-pardon?"

The human looked the turtle dead in the eyes. "I'm Raph's best friend. Of course I know his sexual orientation. A lot of our drunken convos are about sex." He smiled. "When I found out that you and Mikey were at it like rabbits I knew it was a matter of time before one of ya would ask me about Raphie-boy. He's too afraid of hurting one of ya to say anything. Which is stupid."

Leo blinked, trying to take on Casey's words. "O-okay. S-so?" Leo cleared his throat to strength his voice. "What is his sexual orientation?"

"Rather than just tell you." Casey said, smirking a little. "Let me tell you a story about Raphie-boy."

-__

April was away on one of her business trips. Again.

It wasn't that Casey was unhappy that she was earning so much money in something she loved it was just that-... well...

Casey let out a pant, moving his hand faster. She had been gone a month and wouldn't be back for another two. His cock had been aching since she left. They that been trying for a baby for a good half a year, maybe a little bit over. They're method was to fuck like rabbits whenever April was home.

As such Casey's sex time was either intense or non existent. It drove him crazy.

Casey gave a muffled cry and came. It wasn't much as the porn he was watching wasn't doing it for him anymore. He turned it off and gave a frustrated groan.

Tucking himself away he sat up and downed the rest of his beer. Yeah, April was earning so much he didn't need to work. He still had a part time job at a garage but that was more so he'd have something to do. He now understood how stir crazy Raph got when nothing was happening. He used to envy the turtles being able to do whatever they wanted with their day- besides training. Now he envied Mikey and Don for their busy jobs.

And then there was Raph...

There was a sharp knock on the window. Casey looked up and smirked, standing. "Speaking of the devil." He walked over to the window and opened it. "It's about time you-... Raph? What happened?"

Raph was panting, holding onto his leg. He was covered in nasty bruises and cuts but none of them were as bad as the cut on the inside of his thigh. It looked dangerously close to the artery.

Without another word Casey pulled his best friend into the apartment. He half carried, half dragged Raph to the sofa- pulling off the duffle bag he was wearing and tossed it to the side.

Oh, he knew what was in the bag but he was waiting for his friend to tell him. He wasn't going to force Raph to reveal his alter ego. Definitely not now.

Casey calmly but quickly grabbed the medical kit from the bathroom and took out what he needed. Sure, he wasn't as good as Donnie at this but he had taken medical training just incase Don wasn't able to tend to the guys. Or if Raph came to him like he had done now.

"Okay, let me see." Casey said, pushing open Raph's legs.

The turtle let out a small whine, but did as he was told. He wasn't stupid and he knew with a cut like this he could bleed to death. Casey knew it too so he worked quickly. He cleaned the cut as best he could. He then rested his hands more on Raph and began to stitch.

"I ain't gonna ask what ya were up to." Casey said, threading the needle through the turtle's skin carefully. "But ya gotta be more careful."

"Says the bonehead." Raph let out a snort, then winced. He was obviously in pain as the cut was in an area that was not used to wounds. It was in the very inner thigh right where the plastron connected.

Casey tired off the wire with the help of his teeth. The tighter he could do it the less likely it was to come undone. He leaned back a little to admire his handy work. "Won't make it into "Crochet World Magazine", but it ain't too shabby. What do ya think?"

"I think ya shouldn't be staring at my crotch, shell for brains." Raph said, pushing Casey face away. He was obviously blushing.

An odd grin spread across Casey's face. "Ohhh? You shy Raphi-boy?!" He grabbed Raph's cheeks and pinched them.

"Knock it out Case!" Raph said, moving his leg to push Casey back with his foot. This resulted in a cry of pain.

Casey backed off, still kneeling on the floor. "You okay Raphie? Do you need anything?"

"Beer."

Casey stood up and went to the fridge. Beer was something that was never in short supply of at his apartment. He reached at the back where the extra cold cans were and took them out. He rushed over to the living room and placed them down on the table before his fingers got too numb from the cold. He pulled one off and rather than handing it to Raph he placed it against Raph's cut.

"C-case" Raph shivered. Oddly another sound erupted from him. A sound Casey had only heard when they watched porn.

Casey blinked. "Feels good?"

Raph growled in warning as he took the cold beer can from Casey and opened it. He downed it nearly in one. Throwing the can over his shoulder, Raph got it into the bin. He didn't have to look anymore as years of drinking with Casey made it a muscle memory.

Casey let out a sigh, taking a beer for himself. "As entertaining as a black screen is- wanna watch something?"

"Like what? It's late Case and there ain't good stuff at this time."

"I dunno." Casey leaned closer to his friend. "There's always swedish cooking shows."

Raph looked at Casey in mock horror and then shook his head. "You are desperate man."

"Can you blame me?!" Casey exclaimed. "I'm so bored!" He then downed his beer.

"You need to get laid." Raph said, picking up another can.

Casey grabbed one too. "Says Mr Virgin of the year."

Raph blushed bright red, choking on his beer a little. He then threw Casey's empty can at him. "I thought I told you not to say that?!"

"Sorry Raph." Casey said. He switched on the TV to his favorite cooking channel. However his eyes were on Raph. Comments like that really did bother the turtle. Casey had had it explained to him before. Raph didn't believe he'd ever find that special someone.

Idle chatter spread between them as the beer supply got less and less- each dinker downing their cans quickly. Some nights they took their time over beer but sometimes they didn't. Casey's mind, however, was on the earlier conversation.

"Raph..." Casey said, watching the turtle.

"Hmm?" Raph said, tilting his head towards Casey but his eyes were fixed on the screen.

"Would ya ever do a guy?"

Raph's eyes snapped to Casey's face. "W-why do you ask?"

"I just wondered." Casey said, swishing the beer around inside his can. "Do ya think you'd try something with a guy?"

"Umm..." Raph said, thinking about it through his alcohol soaked brain. "D-depends on the guy I think."

"So you not... errr.. opposed to the idea?" Casey said, risking a glance at Raph.

"W-well... i-if a guy offered and... you know... I liked him." Raph shrugged. "I guess I would." He then grinned a little. "What about you, Case? Got a man crush or somthin'?"

"Hmm..." Casey said, rubbing his neck. "Well... I've always been bisexual. I've done it with guys before." Casey looked at Raph.

The turtle's jaw looked as if it was inches from hitting the floor. He then snapped it shut with his hand. "I-I knew you were on a hockey team a-and you guys joked about gay stuff but I didn't know you DID stuff!" Raph leaned in closer. "Does April know?"

"Of course does dofus." Casey said. "We tell eachother everything. Well... almost everything."

Raph shifted his body more towards Casey, fully interested. "Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes." Casey said. drinking a mouthful of beer. "But ya normally feel waaay more pleasure than pain. So it's well worth it."

Raph continued to stare at him, eyes fixated. "How's it compare to normal sex?"

"You mean how's it compare to straight sex." Casey glared at Raph. "Gay sex is normal"

"S-sorry." Raph said, he was obviously scared at offending Casey suddenly.

Casey found it cute.

"S'okay Raphie-boy." Casey smiled. "Well, for mind blowing orgaziums being bottom is perfect for that. But if ya wanna have control then top and straight sex are good for that. They're two different types of pleasure and both are as good as each other."

Raphael blushed a little, fiddling with his can. "Had many partners?"

"Fair few." Casey said. He was watching the turtle with interest. When it came to sexual stuff like this the turtle really did show his age. He was still 19. "I have a question for ya. What sexual experiences have you had?"

Raph's blush grew deeper. "U-um... just ma hand Case." Raph tilted his head, avoiding looking Casey in the face. "A-and watching porn with ya. I really have told ya everything before."

A moment of silence stretched between them.

"Do you wanna do more?"

"Huh?" Raph looked up to find Casey leaning over him. "W-wha? Casey?"

"Well? Do you?" Casey said, his breathing becoming slightly laboured. He was looking at the turtle in a dark, lustful way.

"C-casey?" Raph panted, breathing in Casey's hot breath. As he breathed in more and more his eyelid began to droop, the redness in his face deepening. His hands gently touched Casey's arms.

Casey smirked a little, drawing closer. "Last chance to say no before I steal your first kiss." but when no protest came Casey drew closer still, his lips touching Raph's.

The young turtle tensed for a moment before relaxing. His mouth opened more and Casey slipped his tongue inside Raph's large mouth. A satisfied moan came from Raph as their tongues began to rub against each other. Saliva dribbled down their chins as their flavours mixed together.

Raph tasted delicious.

Casey broke the kiss slowly, panting. Raph was also panting and looking at Casey through lust misted eyes. Casey licked his lips- breaking the strands of saliva that stretched between them. "How was that?"

"That...that was..." Raph sank in the sofa a little, closing his eyes. That sound escaped him again.

Casey gave a chuckle. "What is that noise?"

"U-um." Raph said, rubbing the back of his head. "We call it churring. It's like a cat purr."

Casey smirked a little, leaning closer. He teased his teeth across Raph's neck and was rewarded with more churring. "Kitty Raphie like that?"

"N-nnn~ Ahh~" Raph managed to say as he gripped onto Casey's shoulder.

It was now obvious to Casey how inexperienced Raph was. He was so, so sensitive and it showed that Casey was stealing a lot of his "firsts". The human leaned back, running his hands across the turtle's plastron.

Raph responded with a moan. "C-case... n... gonna d-drop d-down..." he closed his eyes, biting his lip.

"Drop down then." Casey said. He didn't fully know what Raph was talking about he but had a strong idea.

His idea was right.

Raph's throbbing cock dropped out of what appeared to be a hidden pocket in his plastron. Casey had always wondered how it worked but had never asked. He stared for a moment. It was already covered in a wet substance.

Also, it was huge.

Casey gently touched his fingers against Raph's cock, causing the younger to gasp slightly. But Casey was fascinated by it. "What's this wet stuff?"

Raph opened a golden eye to look at the human. "S'like pre-cum I think. Fills my hidden pocket when I'm excited."

"And you're really excited now." Casey gripped Raph's cock as best he could and began to pump it.

Raph bucked his hips, moaning. The cut on his leg was forgotten as he rocked against Casey, churring loudly. "Oh C-casey~" He bit his lip, letting out a small high-pitched sound- almost like a squeak.

Could Raph get any more adorable?

Casey smirked, moving his hand faster. By the young turtles noises he was gonna cum soon. He leaned closer and whispered in Raph's ear. "Cum when you wanna."

"G-gonna~!" Raph whined, his hips pushing upwards.

Casey just had enough time to lean back before Raph came. His cum was clear and caught the light in a rainbow shine. Casey chuckled as he licked his hand, watching Raph. He was obviously seeing stars right now.

"Like that?"

Raph nodded, drooling a little. His eyes then widen and he sat up. "Casey! What's April gonna say?!"

"She'll be f-" Casey said, but was interrupted by the sight of Raph putting his head in his hands. "Raph...?"

"I don't want her to hate me.."

"Raph, she w-." Casey tried to say.

Raph grabbed Casey's wrists. "Promise me we won't do that again. I don't want to upset April."

"But Raph-"

"Promise me!" Raph said, a pleading look in his eyes.

Casey let out a sign and kissed Raph's forehead. "I promise."

-

Leonardo stared at Casey, his mouth agape. "W-wow..."

"I know." Casey said, holding his coffee mug. "That was a few years ago- not long after you left."

"And did you keep your promise?" Leo said, eyes never leaving Casey.

"Kinda." He said, waving his hand a little in an unsure gesture. "We never did anything of that level but I give him a kiss now and again. It's not as much as either of us would like but he can get really upset by it. He's faaarrr too hard on himself."

"So did you tell April?"

"Yup." Casey said shamelessly. "He didn't make me promise not to tell her." He stretches a little. "But nothing's happened since April got pregnant. I think he would feel even more guilty so I haven't forced him inta that situation."

Leo rubbed his chin. "What... do you think his reaction would be to me and Mikey?"

"Knew you'd ask that." Casey said. "He's never thought about you guy's in that way so he's probably be shocked at first. But he could come around if you told him in the right way."

"Hmm..." Leo said, standing. "Thanks Casey."

Leo walked away from the kitchen deep in thought. A plan was already forming.


	16. Chapter 16

Mikey was in the kitchen cooking when Leo came in. He had been meditating all day. Mikey had watched TV and Raphael had been sleeping in the livingroom. They were still sleeping there all together and they would until they knew Raph wouldn't hurt himself anymore.

"Hungry Leo?" Mikey said, chopping vegetables.

Leo's hand took the knife away from Mikey, placing it to the side. Leo's hands then began to massages and molest Mikey's sides. "Maybe." He nuzzled Mikey's neck, nipping his neck. "Especially if my meal comes in that cute apron."

"L-Leo?" Mikey gasped, heat rising in his face. "S-stop~ Raph will see~"

Leo gave a thick growl of lust, sending shivers down Mikey's spine. "Then let's go to my room~" He began to lead Mikey away before the younger had a chance to say no- not that he would of.

Mikey had no idea what had gotten Leo in this mood but he couldn't looked away from those dark, lustful and predatory eyes as he was pushed onto the bed. Leo's fingers raked against the front of Mikey's plastron. Mikey moaned as he was pressed more onto the silken sheets of the bed.

Leo leaned over him, letting out a growl. "I'm going to have you tonight and there's nothing you can do about it."

MIkey's heart fluttered in his chest. It was that voice and forcefulness that set him a quiver. "L-leo..?" He moaned loudly as Leo bit into his shoulder- a turtle sign of dominance.

Leo gave no verbal response but rather began to undo Mikey's apron like unwrapping a present. He unhooked it from Mikey's neck and threw it across the room. It lay crumpled on the floor as Mikey's helpless moans and whimpers began to fill the room.

Leo's head moved back, licking up any blood from his shallow bite. He rested back onto his knees, licking his lips. As he did- his cock slipped out- hard, needy and dripping. However, before Mikey could touch it, Leo leaned down and kissed him feverishly. He twisted them, so Mikey was sitting near the edge of the bed.

Mikey moaned. He always loved the way Leo commanded and moved him around against his will- like some sort of doll. As Leo broke the kiss- saliva trailing between them- Mikey looked up into his eyes.

Leo smiled at him darkly, but lovingly. "I love you Mikey."

"I love you too Le-Ahh~." Mikey shuddered, Leo's hand roughly rubbing at Mikey's cloaca.

"Drop down." Leo churred thickly, lapping at Mikey's neck. He teased the sea-green skin with his teeth- threatening to bite again if he didn't get his way.

Mikey churred, dropping down into Leo's awaiting hand. He was rewarded with very fast pumps in a tight grip- just the way Mikey liked it. He panted and moaned, resting his hands on Leo's shoulder. He was gonna cum soon if Leo kept this up.

Leo knew by Mikey's sounds to stop pumping. He then shifted Mikey- positioning him just the way he needed to be. Mikey was in Leo's lap- his shell pressed against Leo's plastron. Leo pushed him forwards just enough to press into Mikey tight, unstretched entrance. It was warm and pressed around his cock and he knew he would lose himself already.

Pounding into Mikey, Leo made sure to hit the youngest's sweet spots as often as possible. He wanted Mikey to make as much noise as possible. He himself dropped his normal, internal sound proofing and moaned and growls and churred loudly.

"L-Leo! Gonna cum!" Mikey cried out.

Leo took his cock and pumped it. "M-me too Mikey!" He growled. "Beg for it."

"C-c-cum in me! I wanna feel your hot seed in me!" Mikey moaned shamelessly. "Please! Please! PLEASE!"

That last moan was so desperate Leo couldn't help but cum. As he did he turned to look at those golden eyes watching and he smirked.

-

Raphael got up and stretched. He had nothing all day but sleep and watch TV. It had been oddly comforting just to have Mikey close to him. Speaking Of which...

Raph looked around. The kitchen had evidence of Mikey having started dinner but the turtle himself wasn't there. Mikey never left the kitchen while cooking. Still, he had no time to worry about that now. He had promised Leo that he would come to the older's room round about this time. Leo had said he had something to discuss but wanted to do it when everyone was busy.

Mikey cooked at this time. Donnie was in the garage or his lab. April had tea with Splinter and Casey used to the fact he didn't have Shadow to do whatever personal alone stuff he had to do. The time before dinner was always free time.

Raph rubbed his shoulder as he allowed his feet to lead him to Leo's room. It was nearly on the other side of the mansion to his- in the side that looked like it was something about of a japanese samurai movie. They had done it to make Master Splinter and Leo feel more comfortable. It was also where a huge dojo was stored.

This mansion really was ridiculously big. They could do laps inside now.

Raph let out a little chuckle, placing his fingers gently on his lips.

Yes, they could have a huge marathon in this building. They would need sponsors and people to hand out water along the way. Paramedics just incase one of them fel-

"I love you Mikey"

"I love you too Le-Ahh~."

Raph frowned. Something sounded weird. He had just heard what he thought he had? Silently, Raph approached Leo's bedroom door with as much stealth as he used to use to sneak up on Foot ninja. The door was open ajar and he knelt before looking through the gap.

The sight of what was unmistakably Leo and Mikey having sex filled Raph's vision.

Leo was pounding hard into Mikey- who was sitting in Leo's lap. Raph's eye searched them- seeing Mikey's dripping cock and Leo's member being thrust in and out of Mikey with such force and passion.

Raph's breath caught in this throat, his face heating up. He couldn't stop he own hand from sliding down his plastron...

"L-Leo! Gonna cum!" Mikey cried out.

Leo took his cock and pumped it. "M-me too Mikey!" He growled. "Beg for it."

"C-c-cum in me! I wanna feel your hot seed in me!" Mikey moaned shamelessly. "Please! Please! PLEASE!"

They were so loud, making so many amazing sounds. Raph found himself panting, feeling the pressure in his cloaca.

Mikey cried out, cumming hard all over himself and the sheets. Leo came too, deep inside Mikey. Raph could see all the older's juices leaking out of the younger. But as his eyes traveled upwards- they caught Leo's.

Leo was smirking at him.

They stared at each other for a moment. Leo knew that Raph had been there the whole time.

Raph pushed himself back from the door, stumbling. He stared at for a moment, heart pounding and breath heavy. He turned and ran, the ice of realisation spreading through his nerves like fast growing ivy. His brothers were lovers.

His brother were lovers...

His brothers were LOVERS...

His BROTHERS were lovers...

HIS brothers were lovers...

Raph covered his mouth, choking back his breath. He didn't know what to think or feel or what he knew anymore- suddenly so much made sense but he was more confused than ever. The way Leo would always held Mikey to correct his footing in practice. Watching late night movies the Raph knew for a fact Leo hated. Mikey had always listen to Leo no matter what.

They had been fucking this whole time.

How long had they been like this?! Ever since they were kids? A year? Most of their eventful teen years?

Raphael turned the corner at full pelt only to ran into someone. He stumbled backwards till his shells smacked into the wall behind him and he slid to his knees.

"Geez Raph, watch where you going." Casey's voice filled Raph's ears. "Good thing I didn't have Shadow yet. I was gonna get-... Raph?"

Raph cowered away from Casey's approaching hand, rocking back and forth a little. Raph's own hands traveled upwards to strangle himself but Casey's larger human hands gripped his. The turtle tried to pull away but the human hanged on. Raph tugged and shook and squirmed but Casey pulled him off the floor like he was picking up a child. He let go for a moment in favour of scooping the turtle into his arms. He held tight as Raph convulsed. Months of looking after a baby meant he was able to keep a hold on Raph.

"Shhh..." Casey said, pressing his forehead to Raph's. He turned about face and back the way he had came- towards Raph's room.

"C-case..." Raph managed to say, gripping onto one of the older man's shoulder- his fingers digging in painfully.

Casey just nuzzled him and whispered over and over again that everything was okay. He entered Raphael's room and plopped the turtle on the bed before locking the door. This would mean the turtle couldn't just run off before Casey had had a chance to talk to him.

Raph was already off the bed. The turtle has dragged one of the dull red cotton sheets with his and pulled it over himself like a child hiding from a monster. He gritted his teeth, pressing himself more against the small corner he was in as he legs grew cold from the wooden floor.

"Raph..." Casey said quietly. He knelt before the turtle.

Raph let out a strange sound, of which the meaning was clear. Stay away.

Casey ignored it. "C'mon Raphie-boy. Talk to me."

Shaking his head, Raph started to rock again. The fabric strained as Raph clenched it more. If it hasn't been a high quality sheet it would have ripped in two. But Casey grabbed the sheet and threw it off. It the moment that Raph became unbalanced and fell towards Casey, the human grabbed the turtled and attacked him with a full on kiss.

The fabric gently dropped to the floor next to them.

Tears started to stream down Raph's cheeks as his tongue was wrapped by Casey. He gripped Casey's shirt, shaking. Casey broke the kiss but went straight for Raph's neck. Raph gasped, tilting his head as more tears flooded down his face.

"C-casey..."

Casey looked at Raph.

Raph looked back, gripping that shirt a little tighter. "P-please..." he gasped, dropping his gaze. "J-just... a little.."

Casey slipped his arms slowly around Raph more. Raph wrapped his legs around his best friend's hips and Casey took him to the bed, laying him down. Casey leaned over him, using one arm to keep himself up and the other to trace the grooves in Raph's plastron.

Casey watched Raph's eyes as his hand fondled the hidden pocket. Raph's eyelid fluttered for a moment, tilting his head back and gasping.

Casey smiled soothingly as he nuzzled Raph. "Just relax..." He kissed Raph's neck, suckling on it softly.

Raph let out a moan that was desperate and needy. It was a moan that sounded like it had been trapped in him for a long time. Raph's hand gripped Casey's shoulders again- seeking comfort in how strong they were.

Casey's fingers ghosted over Raph's fully erect and exposed cock. It hadn't taken long for the turtle to drop down. He gave Raph a long kiss, his tongue dancing with Raph's, before breaking it and heading southwards.

Raph tilted his head up in confusing before a realising moan let him. Casey cupped his cock in one hand as his tongue dragged up the side. His tongue was hot and wet and amazing. Raph's head tilted back and he pushed himself up more.

"Easy Raphie... its about to get better." Casey said before opening his mouth as wide as he could and slipped Raph's cock inside.

Raph cried out, his head snapping forwards to watch Casey. His cock had never felt anything like this. It was- was...

Raph moaned, pressing his cheek to his shoulder. Drool dribbled down his face and down his shoulder- mixing with tears. He wasn't going to last very long at this rate. He could already feel himself tense with pleasure- about to cum.

Casey glanced at Raph and smiled. He forced the turtle's cock in deeper- past his gag reflex and all the way back to his throat. He could feel the corners of his lips being pulled past their capacity but it was worth it to hear Raph moan loudly and to hear that wonderful churring sound.

"CASEY! GONNA!" Was all the warning Raph could manage before he came- his heavy seed filling Casey's mouth.

Casey pulled back and swallowed. He stroked Raph's chest as the turtle tried to catch his breath. "Better?"

Raph nodded breathlessly. He flopped backwards and shifted onto his side. He nuzzled the sheets- fresh tears flooding his eyes. He let out a whimper.

"Raph, tell me what's wrong." Casey stroked Raph's head. "I can't help if you don't tell me whats wrong."

Raph clamped his eyes shut. "Leo... and Mikey... they're... they're... " He shook his head, not wanting to say it. He didn't want his best friend to be disgusted by his brothers.

"Together."

Raph looked at Casey, sitting up a little. "You know?"

"Yes." Casey shifted. "We... we all do..."

Momentary shock gave way to flooding tears. "E-everyone except me...?"

Casey nodded. He didn't want to look Raph in the eyes- to see the hurt- but he had to.

"Why?" Raph choked, his body shaking once again.

"I don't know." Casey cupped Raph's neck. "How did you...? Did they tell you?"

Raph shook his head, tilting it down. "I... Leo... he h-had ask me to come to h-his room and when I got there I... I..." He gasped, fighting back a sob. "They w-were h-having... and I... t-then Leo looked at me. He looked at me l-like he had know I was there the w-whole time! L-like I was some sort of pervert!" Raph covered his face in his hands. "I d-dont..."

It was Casey who was shaking now. He pulled back his hand and stood up, off the bed. "I have to go get Shadow. I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll see if I can grab us some dinner."

"Not hungry..." Raph mumbled his a small voice, pulling his hands away.

"You need to eat something." Casey said under his breath, as if it was an automatic response. He unlocked the door and shut it behind him.

Silence stretched in the room. Raph lay back on his side, curling up. He hugged his knees to his plastron and let out a loud whine. Everyone except him had known. Even Splinter knew? It seemed like Casey meant that. If Casey knew then April knew.

Oh god... April...

Raph gripped his head and rolled over, his legs kicking out. He had used Casey again and betrayed April's trust! And Shadow! He had done something sexual with a married father! He was a terrible, terrible person-

-

Casey's hands clenched into fists as he walked quickly and loudly towards the kitchen. There was no use in trying to calm down, he was just too angry. He marched into the kitchen, spotting his target.

"Casey, I thought you were going to feed Shadow- Casey?" April stood, looking at her husband. She darted forwards. She knew that look.

"Have you seen Raph?" Mikey said as Casey was heading towards him. "I dished up dinner for him-" But Casey walked straight past him.

Casey grabbed Leo by his shoulder strap and punched him in the face with one fluid movement. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

April and Mikey grabbed Casey, trying to pull the angry man's grip off of the other turtle but it was useless. Leo's hands gripped at Casey's arms- blood dripping from split lip.

"I hope your sick little plan works you fucker!" Casey hissed, shaking the turtle. "Because if it doesn't I'm fucking handing you to the devil myself!" He then threw Leo down.

Leo skidding along the floor and then pushed himself up, rubbing the blood off of him. "I did it for his own good..."

"You have ta control everything don't you..." Casey turned. He went into the kitchen and pulled out a reusable shopping bag, pulling out stuff from the fridge. He then took his and Raph's diner and scooped it into some tupperware.

April approached her seething husband. "Casey, what are you...?"

"If you wanna know then you can talk to the fucking sick therapist over there!" Casey said, point a dirty fork at Leo as Mikey helped him up.

Casey lastly placed a bottle of milk into the bag and slung it over shoulder. He then walked over and picked Shadow out of her bouncing chair and headed out of the kitchen.

Silence stretched between all of them. Mikey looked at Leo. "What... did he mean...?"

"Mikey..." Leo said, not looking at his lover."

Realisation hit Mikey like a truck. He pushed Leo back. "How could you?!" He felt so use. "We agreed to plan when we'd tell him together!"

"Mikey- it was for the best-" Leo started, trying to grab Mikey's hand.

Mikey pulled it away before Leo could. "Don't touch me!" He growled. "Don't even speak to me!" He turned. "And if Raph hurt himself again because of this then I never want to see you again!" He walked forwards. "I'll be with Donnie!"

"Mikey! I'm sorry." Leo said, trying to run after him.

But it was April who stopped him. "Let him go." She fixed him with a fierce gaze. "You and I are going to have a little chat with Master Splinter."

-

Raph standing on the bed, the knotted bed sheet in his hand. He could have sworn he had had a ceiling fan before. He would have to find somewhere else that was strong enough to handle his weight, and quickly.

But he wasn't quick enough as the door opened and Casey stepped inside. There was a moment of silence as Casey's eye took in the scene- quickly realising what was happening. The human threw his daughter at the turtle- who- after years of Ninja training caught her without a second thought. In the time it took him to do that, Casey closed the distance between them and tackled Raph to the bed, pulling the bed sheet from him.

"Don't you fucking dare! I ain't losing my best friend!" Casey gripped Raph's shoulder. "I just ain't!"

"Casey..." Raph stared at him, eye wide. He was actually feeling frightening of Casey right now. That rage- it was like the rage that Leo had had when they had been on the roof but so much stronger. So much more fire.

It was like his old fire.

Raph turned his head, closing his eyes. He suddenly felt so tired. Casey moved off of him and started to wrap Shadow in it to keep the baby warn. He then lay down, pulling Raph close to him. "You're not leaving us. I won't let you."

"Thank you..."


	17. Chapter 17

Raphael opened his eyes slowly. He could feel the early light on is body as he pushed himself upwards- careful not to disturb Casey or Shadow. He took a deep breath, wiping his eyes with the back of his wrist. There had been more nightmares and he wished they would just stop.

Slipping off the bed backwards, Raphael let his toes gently press against the wooden floor before shifting all off weight to his foot. He then pushed more, standing up straight. He took a deep breath through his nose, feeling the air flow through his airways. It still felt so alien to him.

It felt like the air didn't want to be in him.

Raph turned as he kneeded his fingers into his shoulder and neck. His wounds still stung but he sort comfort in it. As he walked he slipped his thumb round and forced it into his bandaged flesh. His nerves shivered as the pain seeped through him. It felt like the more pain he could be in the more it was likely to suddenly stop.

Raphael's feet took him to one of the many bathrooms. It was the purple one that was near Donnie's room. It was the one where Donnie kept a lot of the mediation.

Raph slipped in, closing the door softly behind him and locking it. It was just him in there and it would take his brothers a little while to unpick the lock. That's if they did at all. It was only now sun was peeking over the trees.

He pressed his fingers to the cupboard handle. It felt cool under his skin. He gave the handle a pall and was greeted by the sight of many orange pill bottles. All of those pills.

They would kill him for sure.

Raph had realised that hanging himself wasn't going to work. It was too showy and easy to stop. But if he took loads of pills then that would be in his system by the time they worked it out.

Raphael reached his other hand forwards and picked up a bottle. He read the label- it was stomach medication. Leo often used stomach medication because all his worrying would cause stomach ulcers.

Leo...

Raphael's grip on the plastic container tightened, threatening to crack. Images of yesterday flooded Raph's head- then images throughout his life- but all coming back the look on Leo's face as he saw Raph watching.

That smirk.

That fucking smirk.

Anger flooded Raph's veins and he twisted, throwing the pills at the door. The bottle shattered on impact, spraying the little white objects everywhere.

Raph stood there, panting- his fingers clenched into fists. He snarled and growls, the anger not leaving him. He turned, gripping the side of the carbonate and with all the force he could muster he ripped it from its wall brackets and slung it into the door, bursting it open.

His anger wasn't soothed.

Raphael moved quickly, jumping over the mess and through the broken door. He skidded, rounding a corner and kept running. It felt like ever fibre in his being was thudding with his heart beat, pulsing and twisting him inside. He felt like he was on fire.

He remembered this feeling.

Stumbling, Raph reacted the dojo. He flung the paper door opened and ran straight to the punching bag. He took aim and punched. A jolt of satisfaction as sent through him and he punched it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and Again, And Again, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN-

He grabbed the bag and pulled on it, swinging it with all of his might. It ripped from its stand and straight into the wall. The wooden practice swords fell from that wall and Raph swung the bag round the other side. His weight dropped from their stand. He cried out, roaring as he thumped the punching bag downwards before swinging it to the side and up. It was sent flying and that's where it burst, showering sand all over the room.

Dropping to his kneels, Raph began to punch the ground over and over again. The force of it sent a jarring sensation through his bone but he continued to hit it over and over again, He sneer and snarled and growled, taking out his frustration on the slightly padded tatami mats.

Why?! Why hadn't they told him?! He was a member of the family was he not?! He deserve to know something like that at the same time as everyone else! Fucking hell- he was their brother not just their friend like the humans!

Raph cried out, his roar soul wrenching but filled with anger.

Why hadn't they told him?!

Soothing hands slid down his arms and covered his fists, stopping then. Someone leaned over his, pressing their plastron to his shell and pressed their cheek near his. "Raph... that's enough..."

"Donnie..." Raphael clenched his teeth and eyes shut, shaking.

Donnie let out a small breath. "Mikey told me..."

Raph swallowed. He then took a few deep breaths and swallowed again before he could speak. "Why d-didn't they t-... t-tell me...?"

"They were afraid you would hate them." Donnie said honestly, giving him a small nuzzle. "Master Splinter said that if their relationship affected the team in a bad way they would have to return to just being brothers."

"B-but they told you..."

"They thought you might not take it as... err... well as I did." Donnie said, his hands massaging Raph's. "They thought you might be homophobic or even just hate the idea of brothers being together."

Raph opened his eyes, looking at Donnie slightly. Something about the way Donnie was looking at him sent a shiver down his shell. "But... I'm not homophobic." Raph took a deep breath. "I'm bi sexual..."

"How did you figure that one out?"

"Casey showed me." Raph said in a small voice, blushing deeply. "N-not that much but..."

"Raph..." Donnie said, slipping his fingers between Raph's.

Raphael let out a breath. He turned over, letting go of one of Donnie's hand. As soon as he was on his shell though, he relaced his finger's with Donnie's. "Donnie- have you...?"

Donnie shook his head. "I was waiting for a special someone..." he drew closer, slipping himself between Raph's legs.

Breath hitching, Raph asked- "W-who?"

"You."

It was unclear who kissed who first but all they knew is their tongues were dancing and rubbing against each other. Moans and churrs filled the dojo as the two turtle tasted each other for the first time.

Donnie broke the kiss slowly- saliva trailing between their two mouths. As he spoke the strangs of glistening wetness broke. "Raphael Hamato, I've always loved you. Not just as a brother but..."

"Donnie... I..."

Donnie stroked Raph's face with his hands. "I-I miss you Raph- I can't stand to see you like this-!" He pressed his forehead to Raph's. "Please... come back to me..."

Tears swelled in Raph's eyes as he reached up to hold his brother. He could feel Donnie's own tears splashing onto his. He hiccupped, slipping to press his face against Donnie's neck.

"Donnie- I think I... I l-love you t-t-too..." Raph sobbed. It felt like darkness was dripping out of his finally- like black oil leaving water.

Donnie held his younger brother closer, letting out a breath of relief and happiness. "I love you." Donnie let out a happy sob. "I l-love you so much!"

Raph gripped onto his brother's shell tighter. "I love you too Donnie! I love you!"


	18. Chapter 18

Taking deep, steadying breaths, Leo shifted in what little way he could. He was kneeling and the weight on the legs threatened to slip at any moment- which would make him fall. As his knees were tied it would mean a very painful landing. Add on to the fact that his arms were tied behind shell and he was blindfolded it mean that he had to keep a constant stream of concentration. Hence the lack of sleep.

Even in the darkened room he could tell that it was nearing dawn. His sense of hearing had heightened in the hours of darkness.

Master Splinter really had been angry at him. No, angry was an understatement.

-

Leo was kneeling so low his forehead almost touched the floor. He breathed gently, almost not at all as if avoiding waking a sleeping lion. He dared not to look at that lion like glare coming from his father.

Master Splinter took a few deep breaths through his nose to calm himself enough to speak. "Do you understand that you, Leonardo, may have killed your brother."

"Y...yes sensei..." Leo's voice was smaller than a mouse.

"And you used your lover to achieve this possible dreadful outcome."

"Yes sensei..."

Splinter scowled, watching the stillness of his oldest son as he bowed. The rat took a deep breath before speaking once again. "You have disappointed me more than I ever thought possible. Therefore you will be harshly punished until we know of the result of your plan. If Raphael dies then I will banish you from this family forever and you will be forbidden to see us ever again. Do you understand Leonardo?"

"Yes sensei..." Leo's voice grew smaller, trying not to break under the emotion that was crushing him.

"Break up with Michelangelo."

Splinter's voice rang through Leo like bells of dread. "W-what?"

"You are to break up with Michelangelo as your punishment." Splinter said coldly. "My one condition in allowing your relationship was that it did not affect the team. It obviously has. Therefore you will have to separate yourself from Michelangelo"

"NO!" Leonardo launched himself forwards, gripping onto the bottom of Splinter's robs. "PLEASE! Anything but that! Anything!" He gripped them harder, pressing his lips together as his emotional wall began to break. "Please!"

Splinter regarded Leonardo for a moment before turning to April. "Your opinion?"

April took a calming breath. "I believe that it's up to Mikey if he wants to be with Leo anymore. Making Leo break up with Mikey could be more of a punishment to Mikey."

"Hmmm... you are a wise woman, my dear April." He turned back to Leonardo. "In that case I shall put you through pain endurance until we know how Raphael is."

-

A loud bang brought Leo out of meditative state of remember. It was followed by another loud bang and a cry of frustration. He strained the hear more. Even if he didn't wear a blindfold it was too dark in this hidden room to see anything. But he could tell someone was in the main part of the dojo.

This someone was pissed.

Leonardo choked back a sob of relief. If who he thought was there really was there... then his plan worked. His plan worked!

Raphael was angry!

Sure, he had wanted to introduced the idea of them having relations with each other to Raphael but that wasn't the only thing. If it had been then Leo would have taken him to one side and explained it one on one.

No, his main plan was to get his brother angry. After a long meditation session he had realised that his brother had lost the fire that was such a big part of soul. Raphael needed that fire back. So Leo had put everything on the line to make his brother back to who he was before.

"Donnie- I think I... I l-love you t-t-too..."

"I love you. I l-love you so much!"

"I love you too Donnie! I love you!"

Leo rested his head back. His plan had paid off...

What Leo hadn't planned on was his momentary lapse of concentration. The bamboo poles in which he was balancing on began to wobble. The dumbbell weight slipped from his calf muscles and fell to the floor with a loud bang. His couldn't stop the wobbling as his knees were tied together. So were his arms behind his shell. He twisted, calculating the best way to land.

It wasn't a long fall, but he was enough to make ankle crack loudly. Leo cried out through his gag.

-

"What is it?" Don questioned, looking up at Raph.

Raph had broken their kiss and was looking around. "I thought I heard Leo then..." He stood up and walked over to the wall where he was sure he had heard his oldest brother cry out. He ran his fingers along the wall untill he could feel a small handle. He pulled it and part of the wall slid away.

There on the floor was Leo tied up.

"Leo!" Raph dashed forwards, pulling off the gag. "Speak to me bro!"

Leo groaned in pain. "S-s'fine..." He shifted as best as he could, trying to push himself up as best as he could without his hands.

Raph reached forwards and undid the ropes. He was about to undo the blindfold when Donnie stopped him.

"The lights are too bright in here. We'd need to take him to the van or something." Donnie was in full doctor mode. "What hurts Leo?"

"I think I fractured my ankle." Leo said, pushing himself up fully, careful not to rest on the wounded limb.

Donnie turned to Raph. "Do you think you can carry Leo to the van?"

"I can t-try.." He reached forwards and picked Leo up. Almost dropping him, he moved him onto his shell, burdened the weight of his brother for the first time in a long time. He could feel his strength returning as he was needed.

Once the weight of his brother was balanced, Raphael walked with Donatello towards the van. There was a momentary interaction where Donnie kissed Raph's cheek.

It felt like Leo had suddenly gotten lighter.


	19. Chapter 19

"Yup, it definitely a fractured ankle." Donnie said, examining the x-rays. "Your lucky it didn't completely shatter."

All Leo could manage was a nod of the head. He kept his jaw locked to stop his teeth from chattering. The van was nearly in complete darkness- only with low light medical monitors shedding light inside. It still hurt his eyes a little but it was much better than being exposed to full light after a night of darkness. It had meant to be a week at the least.

Mikey pressed the cold compress harder to Leo's ankle, not being as careful as he normally would be. "You deserve it."

"I k-know M-Mike..." Leo said, shivering.

Mikey pouted a little, staring at Leo, before he let out a sigh. "I won't forgive you for a while." He turned to Raphael, who was sitting in the corner. "I'm sorry Raph."

Raphael waved his hand in dismissal, letting out a low snort.

Mikey found himself smiling a little. That was more like Raph. Mikey looked sideways at Donnie. "So... you and Raph?"

"Y-yeah..." Donnie rubbed his neck, turning the same colour as Raph's abandoned bandana.

Leo rested his head back, closing his eyes. His hand gently touched Mikey and found relief in the fact that he didn't pull away. He mumbled, "I'm s-sorry..."

Mikey leaned forwards and kissed Leo's forehead before standing. "I'm gonna go make lunch. Can you help me Donnie?"

"Sure thing, Mike." Donnie said, following Mikey out of the van.

Silence stretched between the two broken Alpha turtles. It was painful but there was some warmth to it. Leo smiled as he dug into his belt to find the strip of red fabric that he had been holding onto for a few days. He held out his hand and waited.

Slowly, Raphael looked at it. He then stood, walking slowly across the van to Leo's open hand. He touched it gently, ready to pull back as if it would burn him. When it didn't he picked it up into his own hand.

Leo shifted, sitting up completely. He placed his hand on Leo's before taking the fabric back. Raph turned around and knelt down, bowing his head a little.

Gently, Leo draped the fabric around his brother's eyes expertly. He then did a basic knot, letting the loose bandanna tails slip through his fingers.

"That was your plan wasn't it." Raphael said after moment passed and neither had moved. "To make not only me angry but everyone else angry..."

Leo nodded. "It was."

"In seeing everyone else's rage I would remember my own." He tilted his head to catch a glimpse at his oldest brother. "You risked everything for me."

Leo smiled softly. "You're happiness was worth that risk."

"But Leo..."

Leo signed. "You may think that I don't like you at times- or that I look down upon you but I don't. I used to argue with you because I really was worried about it. Sure, I'll admit now that I could be a control freak but Mikey's helping me with that." He slipped his hands around, holding his yonger brother tight as he rested his cheek on his shoulder. "We all need you Raph- that includes me. If you died I don't think we could have survived."

"I tried to kill myself again earlier today..." Raph whispered, ashamed.

Leo squeezed Raph with his arms. "You'll get relapses b-but we're here for you when you do. We love you."

"I love you all too." Raph whispered, closing his eyes.

-

The forest was more on fire than ever. He was running through as fast as his legs would carry him but they felt so numb to him.

There before him was that woman- the one that had bothered him in all of his dreams since the beginning. He knew who she was now and it was more important than ever that he'd catch her. She was his everything.

Her dress with the small purple flowers on it- the Saffron Crocuses- caught fire. It burned away to show olive green skin. The purple ribbon in her hair wrapped itself around her face as it too turned to green flesh.

"Donnie!" Raph cried out, reaching for his lover.

"Raph..." Donnie smiled,taking his hand. "Welcome home."


End file.
